Forced Update

I haven't felt like updating. I still don't. Working all day in an un-airconditioned school, studying for the GRE, sleep problems, and trying to maintain somewhat of a social life has left me feeling inadequate or just too apathetic to play with words most nights. Speaking of words, studying for the GRE is expanding my vocab, and I kind of like it when I actually sit down and do it. I have not put enough time into it and that needs to change soon.

I love my kids from work. They really give me a reason to live. Now that I'm healthy, I have many reasons to live, but these kids are the most obvious one that slap me in the face via hugs every day. All I have to do is love these kids, and they think I'm like the greatest person in the world. They adore me and even need me. It is such a privilege to be able to work with such loving kids every day. How many people get--literally--tens of hugs every day. I can't count how many I receive. Yesterday, Mom and I went shopping. She purchased clothes and shoes for several of my students, and I wish she could see their faces when they get them. The one girl's shoes were too small, so Mom bought her an entire size bigger. We had to exchange those today, because even those were too small. She was wearing shoes a size and a half too small! Imagine how sore her little feet must be. I can't even imagine.

I'm back into Marya Hornbacher's book, Waiting. I think it's just the tip of the iceberg in a new style of writing about spirituality for non-believers. There's all sorts of non-traditional spirituality books, but I love that this is only about inner love and wisdom within us and within others that we can find by better connecting to ourselves and others. It focuses on approaching AA as a nonbeliever, but I am excited to keep working on my memoir that will fit in that sort of category. Hers is insightful, and I think she's really onto something that will catch on.

I went camping this past weekend with some friends. My family ended up joining us for a day at the beach and grilling out. It was a lovely surprise, considering I had little expectations for the weekend. We also cooked out at Grandma's on Monday. It was very nice, but I couldn't stay awake. I'd been having trouble sleeping and then slept even less while camping. I napped most of my time there. That Casey Anthony trial was playing on the TV while I slept. It gave me awful nightmares. I hate watching stuff like that. I couldn't stop thinking about it until I went to work the next day, and the little ones took my mind off such violence and suffering. I'm terrified by murder, even more so by people who are capable of committing such acts. I didn't know how to feel about the verdict, because I don't believe in the death penalty. I didn't want the young woman to be sentenced to death, but after witnessing all of the inconsistencies and apathy toward the death of her daughter, it was clear she has sociopathic tendencies. Sociopathic people terrify me, especially the extremist ones who are capable of murder or covering up a murder. I'm not sure where I believe in mercy or justice. I believe in both, but it's a tricky line to walk. I am scared by the results of the trial, but thankful her parents don't have to deal with watching their young daughter being executed. That's more punishment for them than for her. It's just an all-around awful situation for everyone involved, and I hate knowing and witnessing that sort of thing. It's awful how the media flocks to these tragedies. I couldn't get away from it. I couldn't get it out of my mind. Now, maybe you understand why I can't watch scary movies. My brain tends to put scarring things on repeat, and I have enough dark thoughts that I don't need anyone else adding violent imagery into my head.

Well, I guess this proved to be more of an update than I intended. The hardest part is writing that first sentence.