Pride Vomit

I am reading “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller and I started rereading Natalie Goldberg “The Great Failure, because April returned it today. I realized I was just reading it to numb myself in that moment. I didn’t actually comprehend what I was reading in either of them (I tried both), because I realized I was trying to cover up the fact that I felt an extreme emotion that made me feel a need to release a bunch of negative energy. It was like I wanted to cry, and I didn’t know why. It scared me, to be honest. I went to tea with April today, and I was slightly disappointed in myself that I was not getting into any of the issues really bothering me when talking to her today. I hadn’t seen her since California, which was really a long time ago (Early September). She was always someone who could really make me feel in touch with my spirituality, and I was scared that because I was not feeling that spark of enthusiasm that I used to feel when talking to her, that I had really lost all sense of faith. On the way home I knew I had to tell her I was spiritually numb to the point of feeling dead and that I didn’t know how to fix it, if I wanted to keep that honesty going with her, and get rid of that feeling of hopelessness. It was embarrassing and made me so vulnerable. I didn’t know what I wanted her to say or do. I just let it come up like vomit, because I know once I feel nauseous I can either make the decision to throw up, but once I make that decision and arrive at a toilet, there is no changing my mind. The other option is to force myself to hold it in, and then it comes up full force later with or without my permission. It was like I needed to vomit my pride and I didn’t want to, but I could feel the sick feeling in my stomach getting worse, and I didn’t know when I would be at a spiritual toilet again. Maybe that’s not the most flattering metaphor, calling April a spiritual toilet, but the sick feeling and vomiting is right on and she is the only one that I can allow that sick bile to come up for. It’s like everyone else is a brand new car or clean white carpet, so I force myself to hold it in, until I am so sick that I don’t know what to do.

After vomiting my pride all over myself, April didn’t look at me disgusted like any other normal person would. She looked at me with compassion and understanding and offered to meet with me next week to talk about alternate ways to keep the spark going so that I can stay warm and stop feeling so cold and numb. Who else would offer their time like that? The thing is, when I entered my house alone, I realized I was covered in pride vomit and I had the strong urge to cry. It was like after being really sick, when I want to cry, but I don’t know if it is because of what I just went through, fear of it happening again, or just exhaustion. What disturbs me is how quick I was to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening. I quickly got online to talk to people, and then started reading the books to distract my mind. I had no desire to figure out why I was so sick and why I felt the need to cry. I didn’t cry of course, I am far too numb to cry. I haven’t cried in ages. When I was reading I couldn’t concentrate. I then realized how desperate I was to go back to feeling numb. I thought I was done feeling numb or depressed, because I have been happy being home. I feel safe, appreciative, and comfortable at home with old friends and family. I thought that meant I was better, but I realized that it just is a comfortable numb. I still am spiritually empty and that feels lonely. It seems I am better at pushing my need for spirituality to the side than I used to be, because I am so angry at religion and the religious individuals in my life that have let me down. It’s like I am so angry that I am denying myself the joys I used to feel from religion as well. I really don’t know what to do about that.

I love people, and I think there is a need for spirituality and connections with all people. I don’t feel that same kind of love being returned from everyone (naturally, everyone can't love me), and it is hard for me. I think I am overly empathetic and just too wrapped up in denying my real wants and needs, because I am afraid of being unlovable, so I desire affirmation from everyone. I can only think of one or two people who I knew of that didn’t like me, and they were both because of boys I was dating, and while that sounds EXTREMELY vein, I am saying it to show my weakness. I don’t think that means I am extra special or extra nice, I think it just means that I am always bending over backwards and walking on egg shells to accommodate everyone. I know it goes back to catechism and how I got the impression that in order to be a good person, I had to turn the other cheek when someone hit me, give everything I have, and let people abuse me. I am not saying that I do all of those things and that I am perfect, but I think that I still struggle to do all of that stuff and when I do not do that, I feel guilty and like I am letting people down, maybe even letting God down, even though I say I do not believe in the Christian idea of God, but it is hard to get rid of the judgmental God that was taught to me my whole life. The thing is, my parents did not encourage that much, and I do not blame them. I think I just took everything to heart that my catechism teachers said, and I over-think everything. It is emotionally scarring, because I feel like I will never be a good person, unless I give up my life for others. People comfort me now, saying “Oh you are a good person,” but that is only because I am so desperate to make everyone happy. It is almost selfish, because it is for my own sense of satisfaction. I validate myself as a person on whether or not I am a “good person,” which to me is a demented Catholic view of a Saint. It is an unrealistic goal that leaves me continuously falling short and feeling like shit. It is unhealthy, but it is like any obsessive thought process. I know it is irrational, and people can tell me to stop thinking like that, but I can’t change it. That’s why I am in therapy. I am trying to change it.