Loneliness

I have felt very down the past few weeks. It was beginning to get very real to me that things will never be the same. Growing up is not something I can push aside, despite having tried. I enjoy knowing that I am still in touch with my childhood, but I also think that I have a certain amount of maturity that is uncommon for my age, but maybe that is the immaturity in me. I just have always connected better with people older than me, or at least felt that they understood me more than my peers.

I have noticed that at this point in my life I don't fit anywhere. I can't be really comfortable or at home anywhere. It is incredibly lonely, but I think it is great for me. When I am lonely and feeling so down I worry that no one cares or relates and that it will never get better, but it intrigues me that so many people feel that way. College students especially feel alone and that they don't belong anywhere, but I think everyone is prone to feeling that way sometimes. We are told that by being married or in a relationship, having kids, and keeping good friends will cure the loneliness. These kinds of things do help, but they do not cure the broken and loneliness people feel. Sometimes it can contribute to feelings of being alone when we have everything that is supposed to make us feel a part of something, but we don't. I blogged about the movie "Thumbsucker," before, but I think that is the perfect example of loneliness inside of families and relationships. My "epiphany of the night" came to me while at the movies this evening. I went to see "Stranger than Fiction" with James and Beth. I was surprised that they invited me along. They are dating, and I thought "who would want a third wheel on their date?" I appreciated it so much, because it felt nice to go off campus and see a movie with friends. They told me they were glad I could come because they have been feeling lonely. During the movie I saw examples of loneliness, and it made me think "If everyone feels so alone, then are we ever experiencing something so dark that it should be pushed under the rug in embarrassment? " I think everyone is so proud that we try to act like we don't feel lonely, because we have great friends, family, and material possessions, but that makes us feel more alone, because it is a front. I think more people should abandon pride and just talk honestly to one another, but we are too busy numbing ourselves in our busy lives.

I think people are more alone now than ever. Everyone is so focused on careers, cell phones, technology, that we are so busy trying to show everyone that we are important with our phone calls and work. We lose that visible vulnerability of being alone, because we appear to have someone important on the phone or somewhere to be. Sometimes I wander around campus meaninglessly when I am fed up of being in my dorm room and I am lonely. I just listen to my ipod and when I see people I pretend like I am walking to a destination, but really I am just wandering, overthinking my life. I claim to love a simple life, but I seem to make my simple life very complex and that ruins the goal.

I can say that I am lonely a great deal of the time, but there are plenty of other people in the same boat. I could have a group of friends that doesn't really care just to satisfy society and make it appear that I belong, but I am searching for something more. I really feel like that I am slowly appreciating my relationships that are maturing more, and finding new meaningful ones. I want friends that inspire me and challenge me to be a better person, not friends that don't care what is important to me, but more about what the plans for Friday night are.

Loneliness is so confusing to me...I am still thinking about it. It is supposed to be feeling so isolated and alone, but if everyone feels it, I am still thrown on how that makes anyone alone.