I am blogging from under a tree on a picnic table. It is beautiful outside. I am really thankful for the weather this weekend. I have spent a lot of time outside. I have even been working on my big paper outdoors. I just took a few pics with my webcam of the location I am sitting at. It is right between two of our busiest academic buildings. There are normally tons of people here, but now it is just me and two other people alone on opposite sides of the lawn reading.
A lot has happened in the past week. Too much to blog about, but I have changed. I think it was more of me realizing how much I have changed. I was struck by the fact that I can never go back and that things will never be the same, and I was surprised that I wouldn’t want them to. I also started thinking about how all of my relationships with everyone in my life are changing. No one has all of the answers for me anymore and that is hard to deal with, but also very freeing. Last year I really started struggling with how so many things seemed to be a gray area. Disagreements with friends could no longer be solved with someone wrong and another right. This year I have realized that everything is a gray area. I find this extremely frustrating, yet empowering. I had an argument with a friend the other day that was really painful for both of us, but I realized no one was entirely guilt-free and no one was entirely wrong. I liked that I didn’t have to seek affirmation from so many people to see if I was wrong or right. I still had to vent about it to a couple of people, which I hate doing, but it just helps me feel better. I apologized for being an asshole and she apologized for making me feel like she didn’t respect my beliefs. We had to agree to not discuss our beliefs right now, because we are both is such different and vulnerable places.
I have my schedule done for next semester. I have so me interesting classes that I am really excited about. It is so strange to be completely in charge of my schedule and know where I want to go with a major. Things are really changing and it is definitely for the better. I am making more of my own decisions now and less concerned about pleasing everyone. I still have some issues with wanting to please everyone, but on things that are really important to me I have learned to stand up for myself. My new therapist reminded me of a few things I have done in my past that make me seem very strong and wise for my age, which is contradictory to me telling her that I have been a pushover for so long and that everyone else thinks so too. She was very complimentary of the few things that I have stood up for. She was most impressed by why my relationships have ended and the fact that I did not get confirmed. She said how those things take a lot of guts, and if I were a pushover I would not have stood up for myself and my beliefs in those situations. Hearing her say that made me realize I have been looking at my past from the wrong lens. That is not going to go away easily, but it is nice to have another perspective of events that are burned in my brain from another perspective.
I had an epiphany last night that I have been trying too hard to keep the people that used to know me following me on my journey, which is not possible. I have noticed my e-mails to people getting longer and my phone conversations getting shorter. That is because I just can’t articulate everything that is going on and I think I am better at it by writing, but to outsiders it just appears to be a long boring e-mail. I have realized that I need to accept that not everyone is going to know me like they used to, and I have to deal with the fact that less people really know me. That could be partially my fault for not knowing myself before. My old therapist said he thinks I have been going through an identity crisis, which doesn’t usually happen until people reach mid-twenties. He thinks that despite the pain from not having a lot of support from my peers, because I still have a good support system of adults and peers in my life that I will actually be in really great shape when I get through this. That made me feel good as well. I am worried about how this summer will go with all of my old relationships. I think it could be a challenge, but it will nice to be at home for a while too.
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