Have a Seat on the Couch

I am not sure how to begin, so I guess that will be my introduction. I am so spaced out and apathetic again. It really is crazy. I just don’t care about anything tonight. I can’t stop thinking about things that I don’t want to and can’t think about thinks I need to…aka math. I am so frustrated that I never know how I am feeling. I seriously have to sit and think to give a real answer of how I am doing for the select group of people who really want to know how I am doing. Tonight I think I am okay. It is hard to tell. I felt awful and laid in bed typing and listening to music for a couple of hours until my friend from World Peace Initiative came over to help me make a template for the fliers we will be handing out for the religious tolerance video we are showing. We are showing a religious tolerance movie to counter the movie the Young Americans for Freedom (An RSO that was accused of being a hate group at MSU) showed. The video they showed was a bunch of terrorists claiming that they practiced Islam. One of the girls from W.P.I. went to the protest and then sat in on the movie. She said it was a movie entirely based on fear and had very poor logic. When I heard about the protest happening the night of the movie, I was ready to go. I was ready to take a stand and let some of this random anger out towards a good cause. I am glad we bounced the idea around in our meeting, because we decided the protest was most likely going to cause more animosity on campus and it would not be a good way to create peace. I needed rational people to keep me from letting my emotions take over. We came up with the idea of talking to one of the Religion professors and asking for their help to select a quality movie to show religious tolerance. I don’t know how it is going to go. I kind of feel like not everyone in W.P.I. is totally enthused about it. I kind of feel like even the president is having her doubts, but I think we are going to see it through, because several of us are passionate about showing it (I am one of them).

On another note, I had to meet with my literature professor Friday morning to get help on a paper. He is the one that is dating my favorite English professor from last semester. Apparently she told him I was considering and English major and he asked me about it. I told him I was growing more and more passionate about it, and I was fairly certain that was the direction I was heading. He gave me a list of professors that could help me sign a major that would also help me tailor it to fit my interests (He is moving to Miami next fall to pursue his doctorate, so he can’t help me past this year). He gave me his mentors name for one of them. He said his mentor knows him and his girlfriend and that I could drop both of their names and they would put in a good word for me. I was so excited and motivated after talking to him, because it was so nice of him to help me out like that, and I was surprised his girlfriend told him I was interested in an English major. I talked to an academic advisor on Friday as well, and she seemed very supportive of an English degree. I think I am going to major in English with a focus on Creative Writing and a minor in Religion, although I still have to talk to someone in the Religion department to get more information on that. I received an e-mail from my literature professor last night. He e-mailed me to tell me about a special academic advising type of program that the English department is putting on called, “What can I do with a major in English?” He told me that one of the professors he recommended I talk to would be there, and he suggested I go introduce myself. I can’t believe how helpful my professors have been in all of my classes here at Central. Any of the professors that I have taken the time to get to know and ask questions are tremendously helpful (I usually don’t get to know my big lecture classes professors, but even my Bio lecture instructor was helpful…intimidating, but helpful). I also developed a friendship with my Biology graduate assistant; because I got to know her really well, since I always had questions and she was really good at being very approachable and available, and it turns out we have a lot of things in common. I still stay in touch with her. I just can’t believe the type of help I have received in my classes from my instructors. For being a bigger school, I feel like I have received a lot of one on one attention from professors whenever I need it. I was very impressed that my literature professor took the time to personally e-mail me to tell me about that English event. I know people think that all of my struggles this year are because of being away from home and college, but I really do like Central. My professors have all been helpful, I like the campus, I have seen a tremendous about of intellectual speakers, as well as comedians, and TV stars here, I love my club the W.P.I, and the dorms are nicer than any other school’s that I have visited, the cafeteria in my dorm is better than most, I have an amazing workout facility in my dorm (TV’s on every treadmill), a computer lab where I get free printing, and being further away from home has forced me to become a little more independent and made me stronger. I do not regret the distance at all (well it does suck when I am super anxious to get home, or a big event comes up that I have to miss, but still I wouldn’t change it). I also like the fact that I am not up here with a ton of people from high school. I think that would have really restricted my growth.

I went to an official licensed psychologist yesterday, and that was quite a strange experience. I felt like I was in a movie with the stereotypical shrink that takes notes while I sit on a couch, well actually a loveseat. She had a couch and a loveseat, but the couch seemed to cliché and creepy so I selected the loveseat. She asked me tons of questions about a wide variety of topics, and some of them made me so uncomfortable that I was sweating…a lot. Adam says that’s the sign of a good therapist, though? I thought I had really gotten over my fear of talking about personal things from my last therapist. I thought I had covered all of my strange phobias and issues and was getting to be a pro at talking about them, even to people I probably shouldn’t have told them too. It just was getting to a point with all of my apathy that I just didn’t care what people thought anymore (It sneaks up on me later and then I care, after it’s too late). Well, my new therapist is very intuitive. She picked up on my guilt issues without me even saying the word guilt at all…which I guess is not that spectacular. They are pretty obvious. She also seemed to know just what to ask for things I didn’t want to answer and for things I couldn’t answer. I was thinking I was really self-aware after this year, minus all of this depression stuff, but she seemed to rip away that front pretty fast. I think it could help me, as uncomfortable as it is, but I am upset about her location. I was told it was in walking distance, but luckily my friend offered to give me a ride yesterday so I could figure out just how far it is. It seems like too far to walk, and I thought about biking, but I have to take this busy road that has no sidewalk and hills…so I think that would be a problem. I set up an appointment for two Thursdays from now, but it is going to make me late to class, that is if I can even find a way to get there. I think I am going to try to walk there with James and Beth on nice day (provided we have one). Although, even if I can walk eventually I will either need to skip my 11am class or have a ride back to go straight to class. Maybe I can walk there and have James pick me up? I don’t know. It is tough, because she fills up quickly, my schedule has not been fitting with her well, and then the issue of getting there is a problem, because should I bum a ride I have to check my friend’s class schedule. Plus, I just don’t feel comfortable asking my friends for a ride every week. It just doesn’t seem right.

I really am trying to take care of myself, because I just don’t feel healthy. I have been trying to eat healthy and eat vitamins, but I have not had time at all this week to work out. I did go for a run outside on Sunday morning for the first time all year. It felt really good, but I am still sore from it. I am looking forward to going home this weekend. I am hoping to lay low, but that never happens when I go home for a short weekend. I am excited, nonetheless, though.