Congratulations. You've Turned into a Hippie.

I just had a spiritual moment sitting alone under a tree. I had no laptop, no Ipod, and no cell phone. It was just me and a squirrel that kept looking at me and then scurrying away, but always coming back. I could hear birds and the wind around me. I felt at peace. Well, I felt at peace after a while, and that only lasted for one exhale, but I felt it nonetheless! Does peace even suggest that joy and grace are not far? I sat in the lotus position and took deep and slow breaths. I get impatient just focusing on my breath, so I try to pick a word. I try to use the word I learned in Elizabeth Gibert’s book. The word is “hamsa,” and it means “I am that.” It is supposed to be like the sound of your breath. “Ham” is the inhale and “sa” is the exhale. It sounds pretty and seems like a great mantra, but it just doesn’t do the trick for me. It doesn’t feel natural to me enough to control my mind, because it doesn’t mean anything to me unless I think about it. It doesn’t create that feeling in my entire body like my soul feels the word when I say it. The only word I have had success with while meditating is “wisdom.” Wisdom means a lot to me and I love everything about the way it makes me feel and the things it makes me think of. I feel like it is the one thing I can control and I always seem to bring my thoughts back to it. It wasn’t long before my leg started hurting and my head was hurting from uneven breathing. I still have to work on that.

I decided to just sit natural and let my mind wander after actually concentrating for the first time in a while. As I sat there I began to realize that I need a solution to my spiritual problems, so I sat there and had a conversation with the universe. I prayed for the first time since everything, but it wasn’t to a god or anything like that. It was to the universe, or anything really. I decided to have a conversation with the universe, because I liked how it sounded. I explained that I know that I am not the center of the universe, even if I might act that way sometimes. I also know that there is something bigger than me even though I like to pretend I am in control at all times. I kept meeting eyes with the squirrel through all of this. He seemed to be judging me, but he must have figured I was okay because he didn’t leave me. I explained to the universe that I couldn’t address this spiritual energy as God, because that has such human connotations to it. I think of the angry masculine character from the Bible when I think God, and I don’t want that. I also knew that I didn’t want to pray to God, because God has so many extremities attached to it. I don’t want something that people are fighting about; I don’t want something that people tell me I have to believe and force me to give in to out of fear; I don’t want someone that is watching me at all times. I want a power that I can acknowledge and strive to become one with that is not a needy human who gets angry or sad when I ignore it for a while. It is a power that might leave me feeling angry and sad when I ignore its power, because I love holding and being with that power so much. “So where does this leave me?” I asked the universe. I opened my eyes to look at the tree protecting me and the answer came to me, “Under a tree.” I thought that was a ridiculous answer and that it was my mind playing tricks on me, but I went with the thought. “It leaves me under a tree, so what?” I think that is the point. Why does it matter where I sit with labels and religion? I can’t believe how hard it is to not claim a label. I have given in to the atheists in most arguments, but I don’t belong with them either. I am too spiritual for them, not saying that atheists aren’t spiritual. I just feel that it is not to the depth and intensity that I need. I sat there thinking about wanting to share my spirituality, but I realized that I couldn’t articulate it yet. I was thinking about the people I know who just have some type of spiritual energy glowing off of them that is contagious and enters me when I am near them. All I could think of to describe this was a universal love. It is always people that love life that have such a glow about them. It is so rare, but so intense. It is like I can’t run from the spiritual feeling they create in me, and I finally figured it out to be love. “Wow. You are a genius. It's all about love, man,” I thought sarcastically. “Congratulations you’ve turned into a hippie.” I looked around disagreeing with this oversimplification I had created, but then I realized I was sitting underneath a tree with no shoes on while meditating. I laughed and walked home. The universe has quite a sense of humor. When I got there I listened to Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” to take the hippie thing and run with it. Okay, so I might be a bit of a hippie sometimes, but so what? I plan to explore my thoughts on prayer and love sometime when I am not supposed to be cramming and typing a paper.