Silhouettes of Bees On My Blinds

My blinds are closed because the sun was in my eyes. Now, I keep getting distracted by the silhouettes of bees who are lingering outside my window. Marlee is sleeping in a ball at the foot of my unmade bed. I'm feeling restless, which is probably better than feeling physically and mentally exhausted. The last couple of days I've felt stuck, lethargic, even paralyzed. It is similar to how I felt in the hospital: isolated, disappointed, hopeless, tired of the same routines.

I'm just as confused as everyone else about my isolation. I know I have great friends and family. They would never want me to feel stuck & alone. My priorities are so different than most college students. I'm no longer impressed or excited by parties, bars, or drunken drama. I feel like I was catapulted onto some isolated island in the sky. I have a more mature, wiser, wider perspective on my perceptions of the world, but that doesn't make being stuck in the sky alone feel any better.

This disconnect I feel from everyone has been good for my writing. I met with my poetry prof. He said my poems are fierce and brave. That really helped validate me. I often feel like I don't have anything to contribute to anyone anymore. I'm more assertive than I've ever been, and I'm proud of the way I have been standing up against things that feel wrong to me. It's like moving mountains sometimes (sorry for the cliche).

When I rode up to school with Kaitlin (Sailor's sister :), we were talking about how it is most difficult to stand up for what we believe in to our friends. She mentioned how it is hard, because you know damn well as soon as you leave, they will all be like, "what was her problem?" instead of really considering whatever it is you are standing up for because it's easier not to.

I've had a lot of conversations about race recently. I'm frustrated with the way Caucasians assume they have a right to target an entire race due to interactions with people of that race. It kills me when someone will make racially insensitive comments, and then say, "What? I have 2 Black friends." My response is always, "Have you talked about race and discrimination with them? Do you have any idea what kind of pain they have because of society and their skin color? If so, do you think you can comment on an entire race because you know two African-Americans?"

Mainstream culture tells us not to talk about race because it makes people uncomfortable. This makes racism more prevalent, because repression is never good. Make friends from different back grounds. Talk about your concerns about race. Everyone, regardless of race, has racist thoughts. I've talked to my friends of color about that before, too. The people who claim they have no racist thoughts are usually the ones who are "naively racist." I heard a professor use that term, talking about how so much racism is sub-conscious and out of ignorance as opposed to hate. It's really sparked by fear. Fear of people who are different--fear of acknowledging those differences--fear of admitting discomfort.

I'm also scared by the way people take isolated incidents of reverse racism, and use that to validate their own thoughts about an entire race. That is one thing I think that most Caucasians do not fully understand because we are in the majority. When we mess up, people judge us, not our entire race. We don't feel that pressure of representing our entire race. It's kind of like my experience as an American in Spain. Any of mine or Laura's behavior could either change or confirm negative images Europeans have of Americans. Even though, we are only two American College Students, and we cannot represent the other thousands of college students throughout the country.

This was just a freewrite. I'm not sure I like where it went, but it was nice to publicize some negativity that has been weighing down my brain.