Birthday Blues

I suppose I don't really have the birthday blues. It's more like the typical Sunday blues that just seem intensified. It doesn't help that I am at the library, avoiding a paper arguing that the religious lines in Alfred, Lord Tennyson's poem "In Memoriam A.H.H." are examples of repression. I chose this poem because it's one of the few poems that spoke to me in that class. The poem took him 17 years to write. His best friend, who he had an incredibly close, although apparently non-sexual relationship with, died when Tennyson was 22. In class I thought about how I would feel if I lost any of my close friends at this age. At this age, my closest friendships have all been tested and survived a great deal. To lose one of them, and then attempt to write a poem about it would be near impossible. Apparently, Tennyson felt the same, but pushed on for 17 years until he came up with something he approved of.

In addition to the paper, I am overwhelmed with the idea of my birthday. I don't have a real birthday, so it kind of takes up the whole week, which keeps me from feeling like it's really my birthday at all. It doesn't help Laura couldn't make it home for the dinner we are having tonight that is a birthday celebration and an Oscars party. I mean, she'll be here for tomorrow and Tuesday, but Leslie already made it clear she can't celebrate those days because of work. Not to mention, my Tuesdays are ungodly long. I was away for her birthday too. It just makes me wonder will we ever get to celebrate both our birthdays together again? I mean, I guess that's how growing up works--we move away from people we love and have to settle with meeting new people and only seeing the people we love from our past once in a while. Everyone gets wrapped up in their own circles (new families/spouses/partners) and those people get priority over old relationships. I'm slowly dealing with it. I've already seen this sort of change with April and Evan since they've had a baby. When they are home, their families want to spend as much time as they can with the baby and them, so it just happens naturally that I don't see them much anymore. It's not anyone's fault or something I take personal, because I know that's just the nature of aging. One positive thing is that I'm incredibly excited to spend an entire week with them starting one week from tomorrow. I, of course, miss them and wish we could spend more time together, but now the time I do have with them, is something I treasure greatly.

It's the same thing with Dawn and Kristin living in different states (countries sometimes). Those girls are some of my closest friends, and I miss them terribly. Yet, our friendship has evolved over the years from seeing each other every day to an occasional e-mail or phone call on birthdays or holidays. Despite feeling grief every time I say goodbye to them, I have adjusted to them not being a part of my immediate contacts.

Not all change is bad. For example, Alicia's fiance, James, hung around with us when we visited Alicia this weekend, and they both gave me a birthday gift from the two of them. I realized that now that they are getting married, James will be always be a part of our circle of friends. At first that feels a little threatening, but I like James, and I think we all have fun together. Plus, it's nice to see Alicia so happy with him. Drew is getting married, too. I like her fiance, Patrick, a lot, so it has been a sort of similar transition at viewing them both as close friends to me instead of just thinking about him as Drew's boyfriend.

Despite having the birthday/Sunday blues about aging, changed relationships/locations, (not to mention my "boyfriend" who doesn't know it's my birthday and I haven't seen since Valentines Day due to him being sick), I've had a lot of positive things this weekend.

Thursday night, Leslie, Tammy, and I all went out bar-hopping. At our favorite brewery, they let us drink free all night. Then, Tammy and Leslie bought any additional drinks for me at the other bars. It was a fun night and Tammy's little sister, Elizabeth, graciously drove us home. Then, Leslie let me come along to her cousin's place. Her cousin fed us great food, made us margaritas, and taught us a couple of fun new games. We also got to meet up with Alicia and James who then bought us lunch. Leslie bought me a fancy bagel this morning at this nice bagel shop Alicia and James took us too. Also, my friend Albert was supposed to come down, but due to the whether, we rescheduled for after Spring Break. He surprised me by remembering my birthday, sending birthday wishes and even saying he has a gift. So in reality, everyone spoiled me for my birthday this weekend--not to mention, the real celebration is tonight. We will do a dinner party with cake and all. Plus, I'm looking forward to watching the Oscars. I like Anne Hathaway and James Franco, and I'm, of course, rooting for Natalie Portman to win best actress :)

I shouldn't complain of the birthday blues when my "real" birthday is somewhere between tomorrow and Tuesday. My boyfriend could surprise me (unlikely) and who knows what Laura and I will do for it. I feel slightly guilty for feeling blue when so many loving people have been going out of their way to make my birthday special, so please don't feel this is complaining or unappreciative. I guess, I'm just trying to logically talk myself out of the blues by remembering all of the special things that did happen this weekend and might still occur. Plus, L.A. in one week. I can't wait for some sunshine, the city of angels, and great friends.

Well, my Cran Energy is now finished, and I feel the caffeine kicking in. I suppose it's time I tackle that paper.