Looking Past All That Shines

All that glitters is not gold, but why do I want it anyways?

I don't know what I really want to address in this blog. I just know that I have not been writing as frequently as I should be for my Independent Study. I have no desire to write at this moment, but I am making myself. I had a doctors appointment on Friday to go over my continuous sickness that does not go away. I am now on more drugs and am going to be getting a cat scan. I hope the cat scan takes place sometime this week, because the sooner that happens, the sooner I can go to a specialist. The sooner I go to a specialist, the sooner I can get better (at least I hope so.) I am now officially out of shape. I have gained at least 5 pounds, and I hate feeling unhealthy. I just can't run frequently when I am sick everyday.

I slept until 11:45 today. I did not want to do that. I try to wake up at a decent time on Sundays, because it helps me sleep easier Sunday night. I woke up at nine, but I was so tired. I decided to go back to sleep for an hour, but then I woke up at 11:45. I have been so tired from being sick, that I am hoping I will get to sleep okay still.

This week I plan to go in to talk to April again. (The youth minister I met with the one time.) I like her perspective on the Catholic faith. I feel like I need religion to be a part of my life, just to keep me on track with self-evaluation and for a sense of purpose? It is hard, because no matter what religion or lack there of, people are going to think you are wrong and not support it. I guess I need to work on following my own desires and taking care of myself spiritually, and I think April helps me with that.

I pick these role-models for so many different reasons (they can be celebrities, friends, adults, or anyone really,) and then I seem to want to know everything about them and I pin my insecurities and imperfections on them. What always happens, is that the more I get to know them, the more human they become to me, and the less interested I become in their ideas. I worry that I am seeking self-affirmation from people, and then when I get it. It's not what I want anymore. I worry that I am getting too excited to have someone that understands me in the Catholic faith, and then the more I talk with her about faith, the more I will be back to where I started. That's the thing about faith, I guess. It's a constant struggle. In the Anne Lamott book I just read recently, she used a quote from some religious figure that said something about how it is a new battle everyday to have faith. It doesn't carry over from day to day. You have to find it everyday, and sometimes you don't find it, but then you try again tomorrow.

I wish I could spell. I always submit things, such as comments or letters...thinking that I have spelled everything correctly, but later am haunted by mistakes. Then, I feel like an idiot and it bothers me for days. I rarely use spell checks on here, unless I have no idea how to spell a word. I guess I am just lazy. I need to work on that. The thing is, I use spell check sometimes, but when I use it I am fine. When I don't use it, of course something is wrong. I need to start being more aware of spelling, because the truth is people do judge you on spelling.

On another note, everyone should watch "#1 Single" on E! Lisa Loeb has her own reality show and it is very fun and cute. I wish I had E! because I would love to watch it tonight at 10pm. Luckily my lovely grandma is recording it for me! So check it out!