Maturity and Wisdom

Maturity (N)
1. The state or condition of being fully grown or developed
The condition of being ripe, fully aged, or fully grown, especially mentally or emotionally

Wisdom (N)
1.The knowledge and experience needed to make sensible decisions and judgments, or the good sense shown by the decisions and judgments made
2.Accumulated knowledge of life or in a particular sphere of activity that has been gained through experience

Is it possible to become less mature for a while in order to become more mature? I have been reflecting on wisdom and maturity and I realized I have become less mature lately and a lot less wise. I think it has the potential to help me grow more mature and wise in the future, but I am stuck living in this slap in the face of how young and clueless I really am. It is funny, because I like to pretend like I am so mature compared to a lot of people, but I think I am misusing the word "maturity." I have used the word immaturity for people in my life that I believe do not question things as much as I do or who are content with simplicity. Maybe they decided on simplicity after questioning, because after I am struggling so much with all of this questioning stuff, I can see why a person would choose simplicity. I also realized that I have already been developing a "college-educated arrogance". I noticed this when a friend of mine took me to a simple restaurant in town and we stayed there from seven to when it closed at midnight. He knows the waitresses and all of the regulars. They are all your average blue-collar workers. My friend sits there and chain smokes with many of them and takes the time to get to know them. I realized I have lost touch with that. It is funny, because I do not consider my family intellectual at all. We have come along way, where many people might consider us a family who has our lives together. My brother is eventually getting a PhD and my mom is getting ready to begin work on her masters. My dad has worked his way up as an electrician. Despite where we are now, I will never forget when my grandma watched my brother and me while my mom worked at the hospital with no college degree and my brother and I shared a small room before my sister was around...not to mention the old family escort. How did I turn into someone that thinks intellectual people are the only "wise" or "mature" people? I have always admired humility, and growing up I think I confused humility with self-hate. I got to be very good at putting myself down whenever I felt good about myself. I was even rewarded for my self-hate by being called humble as a "compliment" multiple times. I can see my little sister putting her self down all of the time now too. I think to rebel against that self-hate I turned into someone who is arrogant this year. I think it is okay, because I will/am learning how to balance it out. It is about moderation. Self-confidence is necessary and often looked down upon, but self-hate ends up turning you into a needy charity case or depressed (both in my case).

Maturity is impossible if it means "fully emotionally developed," because no one is ever fully developed. Every day changes you, and I will strive to become more mature and wise every day. I will never become perfectly wise and mature. I will always have my days where I regress to being 13 and yell when I don't get my way or cry when someone yells at me. I learned that from volunteering in a nursing home for over a year and a half. Even in their nineties, people have bad days and forget every ounce of wisdom and maturity they have acquired, but on good days they can blow your mind with beauty and wisdom. I often wanted to cry when I would leave the nursing home. One of the women I visited was depressed and cried a lot. I always wished I could help her more. The other one was so physically lifeless and naïve to the current world, but so beautiful and wise. I can't believe that I could recognize wisdom and maturity and the way they are not some ticket out of human flaws when I was in high school, and then totally lose sight of all of that this year.

This summer is going to be a big lesson in maturity and wisdom for me. My friendships have all changed, a few of my friends aren't coming home, and the relationship with the family is different too. I am not used to being surrounded by people all of the time. I have no therapist, which means I will have to rely on the old-fashioned way (Well, I still have my drugs which is not old-fashioned). I will have to find strength in myself and relearn to rely on my friends and family. It will be good for me, but I don't know if it is going to be easy or fun. I think it will probably be hard as hell, but I guess that is how all of the best lessons are learned…or at least that is what I am telling myself.