I am Only Who I Choose to Be

I received some words of wisdom from a friend of mine recently. She told me not to take myself so seriously and that I am only who I choose to be. She reminded me I am not a product of my religion, my parents, or my hometown. I am only who I choose to be. I was so caught up in trying to figure out who I was that I forgot to laugh at myself from time to time. I walked around with a stone face attempting to have some sort of epiphany about who I was. That doesn’t happen. I don’t think anyone wakes up one day and says, “I’ve figured it out! I know exactly who I am.” Self-awareness is one of those tough categories we never stop growing in. With her comment I realized not only was I taking myself too seriously but I also was still defining myself by other people’s standards. I was not sexy enough, because I don’t like to wear high-heels like my friends. I was not feminine enough, because I love wearing jeans and a t-shirt practically every day. I was not smart enough, because I couldn’t get into U-M like all of the other smart kids. I was not a good enough writer because I had to retake the writing portion of the MEAP test and I scored ten points lower than most of my friends that don’t write on my ACT writing section. I was not a good enough person because I didn’t fit in with religious people anymore.

I realize how ridiculous that all is now. First of all I have a bit of a grudge against the MEAP and ACT scoring systems. They are boring, stuffy, and if you do not write an annoying predictable essay then they will not approve. Most of my friends didn’t have to retake the writing section of the MEAP. It is funny though, because even at the time they were like, “Aimee, you are a great writer. I don’t know how they grade those things.” Even my English teacher at the time was astounded I did not pass. She assured me I was a fine writer and that I just thought too outside of the box for the stuffy standardized test people. That didn’t help me feel any better. Standardized test are supposed to be a judge of how you compare with kids across the nation, and I was certain that I would never be able to write anything worth reading. I have never been confident in my writing until recently, and I still have a phobia of rejection when I turn in a piece for a class, especially if I worked really hard on it. I am getting more confident with the more papers I turn in, and with the more support I receive from professors. In addition to the standardized tests lowering my self-esteem, I was certain I was going to be less intelligent than my friends that were going to U-M. I am extremely pleased with my education at Central. I feel like I personally have learned more than I would have at U-M, because I am much more involved and I get to know many of my professors (although not in the few lecture classes I have had). I received such great feedback on my formal writing that I am beginning to realize just because the standardized test people didn’t see it, doesn’t mean I don’t have potential as a writer. I also realized that I am not a second-class student because I do not attend U-M. I still feel a little bit inferior to my friends that dress in their heels and low-cut shirts when we go to parties. I feel like such a plain and boring girl. I have found that I like the guys that seem interested in me when I am dressed in jeans and a t-shirt more than the guys that seem interested in me on the rare occasions when I am sporting heels and a low cut shirt. I am into simplicity. I like simple guys too. Guys that live simple, but have complex thoughts. That is getting harder and harder to find.

I recently doubted myself on something and while talking to my brother, I asked his opinion. I asked if something I did was too over the top. He responded, “It’s not too anything, because it’s you. It’s just you. Stop trying to be what other people want you to be.” He was right. I try so hard to have everyone like me that it is crazy. I thought I was rebelling against this problem this year by taking firmer stances on religion and morals. I was only trying to do so while keeping the support of everyone just as much. I am sick of feeling ashamed for how I feel, my beliefs, or who I am. I am not less of a person because I do not like religion. I am not the devils advocate, because I am happy with where I am at spiritually even if it does not coincide with Christianity. Why does society make me feel like I need to be ashamed to take a stand on something? Why does society make me feel like I need to fit in?

I don’t need to compare myself to girls in heels, standardized tests scores, politics of universities, or religious people who put me down. I can laugh at my errors this year, even though it sometimes leads to tears. I am satisfied with my personal progress this year, and I am looking forward to seeing how I will progress over the summer.