I just can't seem to get out this slump

Life has been hectic. I find I'm getting overwhelmed easier, and I haven't been sleeping as well as I was. It could just be this awful transitional period I'm stuck in. I am scared to go back to school and work. I fear I won't be able to keep up; I think I'm most terrified of relapsing--of going back to the emotional hell I was in and the physical experience of being paralyzed and in the hospital.

I had a good final therapy session yesterday. My therapist talked about how I need to acknowledge how traumatic the three hospitalizations were and realize that I got through it, so I don't really have to be so scared of relapsing, because I have proven to myself that I can keep fighting even when I feel like I have nothing left. She also said that I am probably still in some sort of shock about everything that happened, because I worked myself until I couldn't anymore, and I am functioning and pushing myself again, so it would be easier if I could just pretend this never happened. She said the grief will hit me at some point, so I need to allow myself plenty of time to recover and grieve. I think the key to my success this semester will be to be much more forgiving of myself than I usually am: if I need a break, I will take it, regardless of what other people think. I need to trust my instincts about how I am feeling. I will also need to remember to compliment myself when I am doing well. It's easy to look past everything that's going right and focus on the negative.

Yesterday was one of those days where all I could focus on was negative things. It was like I was using it as a defense mechanism, trying not to feel happy and then be disappointed because I was short on energy. I just felt tired physically and mentally from the second I woke up. I also was purposely focusing on all of the hurtful things that people I love have done to me, so I could push them away. I felt unlovable, so I did what I could to be unlovable. It is like a self-fulfilling prophecy because then I feel guilty and ugly for things I say to people I love to push them away, so then I get down on myself and feel more unlovable, so then I isolate myself more.

I went to bed in tears, and I was able to comfort myself by remembering what my therapist told me about clinical depression. She said most people get depressed for some reason or another during their lifetime, but that clinical depression is something completely different. I tried to remind myself that it's okay to have bad days, and even though I wasn't the lovable person I try to be most days, I also have been through a lot this summer, and I should be proud of my progress and forgiving when I feel depressed for no reason. It is my natural instinct to get angry when I feel depressed for no reason. I feel angry that I feel so bad, I get angry that I don't have a reason to feel depressed because I still feel depressed, and I get mad that I have let people walk all over me in the past. I get angry, and I turn into more of a fighter

On a lighter note, Laura got me new bearings and wheels for my skateboard. It is 10 times faster, and I had a blast riding it last night. I really need to invest in a helmet, though! Next week, I am moving back to school. I'm scared and still hurt by several people up there, so I don't want to go. I am going back as a new person--I've got a new wardrobe, new shoes, new music, new hope.

This has gotten long, considering I am rambling. I would really like to update this more in the next week or so. It will be hard when i get back to school, but I think I should self-reflect via blogging more often.