Waking Up

I wrote this earlier this morning but the internet stopped working when I went to post this:

I'm slowly waking up, both literally and figuratively. My sinuses are giving me problems, which makes waking up a challenge. I'm also seeing things in a new way after such intensive therapy. I don't know that I like the reality checks I'm faced with regularly. I thought I was good at embracing ambiguity and grasping the complexity of a human-being. I could usually find the good in people, no matter how horrible they might seem. Now, I'm beginning to feel intense anger at some of the hateful people from my past. I find myself judging them--borderline hating. I've never hated anyone in my life. Hate is a terrible feeling. Hate only breeds more hate. I hope this is only a small-step in my healing that will allow me to genuinely have compassion for these people one day--that will allow me to be more evolved. To feel sorry that they feel so afraid and hateful, because those are scarring feelings. Right now, I can't look past their arrogance and ignorance that creates and breeds so much hate.

Waking up to realize not everyone is a good person has been a tough thing for me. Realizing everyone I love has complex personalities, and while they might not always genuinely loved me in the altruistic ways I need, doesn't mean they don't love me.

A boy I went to High School with died of alcohol-poisoning yesterday. I was very saddened by it. He was a nice guy and incredibly smart. Feeling so sad about his death, despite not having talked to him in years, made me think about how alone I felt when I was suicidal. I was so sick that I was convinced people would be better off without me, but I did not think about how many people would be affected by it. I now remind myself how many people care, even if they can't express it all the time. Even though, I still sometimes feel like living is too hard, I'm now healthier and awake enough to understand how one life touches thousands.