I Hate Titles

I am sure everyone is sick of hearing about how shitty I feel, but too bad, because I am losing more and more lifelines everyday. Today one of my friends was like "Oh you're not better yet?" I wanted to scream, "no, Im not better yet. What do you expect? I don't think I can get better." I know it's just a need for an increase in my medication, but it takes over my mind and makes me feel like things will never change. I know things HAVE to get better, but I can't help how I feel. I am still lacking joy. The conference was a success this weekend, I had a nice time with my family, I had a great workout today. I felt acceptable during all of those things. I know I should feel good, but I don't. I haven't even looked at my homework still, and it is 11pm on a Sunday night. That might sound really irresponsible, but I don't care. I don't feel good. I took a break from feeling sorry for myself tonight and went to see "Vagina Monologues" with Beth. It was a great show. I knew two of the performers from World Peace Initiative, so it was really cool to see them acting as powerful women. The show really helped me feel better, but feeling better did not last. It never does. The show helped me to feel empowered and helped me to laugh as well. They did a portion on domestic violence that was really intense. It really got to me, because it was based on interviews with women from Pine Ridge, which is the Native American reservation that I have been to three times now. Being able to put my own experiences on the reservation with personal faces really made the monologue more dramatic and just gave me an awful feeling in my stomach. It was powerful.

I am having a hard time with people in general these days. That is tough for me, because I normally love people. Everything about everyone bothers me and I feel so alone. It's like no one can save me. Everyone is trying, but I feel like most people are giving up. They know that can't say anything to make me feel better so they don't say anything. Then one of my other friends was like "Don't put on your happy face for sprng break and any other time you meet people, because that's what has got you into this mess. You have been trying to be happy for other people for too long," I can't help it. I don't like people worrying about me so I try to act normal for people that are not close enough for me to explain things. That usually drains me more and leaves me feeling worse. I hope I can handle being a people person and helpful on spring break. I really don't want to dissapoint people, especially my friend that invited me that i met on my trip to California. She has been telling people I am "cool," and then I'll show up being all depressed and dissapoint her. Not to mention, April is in charge and I definately don't need her to stress out because of me. Agh I hate how I feel. I hate everything right now. I wish I could sleep a few weeks until my medicine starts working or something. Midterms are next week and I can't focus on anything. i can't even write for fun tonight, and that is all I have been doing when I feel so bad lately. I keep feeling like everything is pointless. I begin writing and I am like "nothing is worth writing about. It is all the same, another depressed writer. Who cares?" The only thing I can do is sit here on my computer listening to music, and even that sucks. I feel bad not doing homework, but I just want to sleep.

I don't even have anything worth blogging about. I don't care, because it helps to distract me and helps the 2 people who actually read this understand more of how I feel. I wish I had something deep and insightful to say, but "Crawling in a hole and never coming out" is not well thought out advice to survive life, but that is all I can suggest to people. I hope everyone else is feeling better than I am, because I am thinking anything has to feel better than this, but I might be a selfish asshole who can't ever appreciate what I have... and has never had any real life or death problem in my life. What should I be complaining about? Unfortunately, it feels like everything.