In one week I will be in Mississippi. I can't even imagine how good it will feel to be away from school and snow. I have two big exams tomorrow and I am having such a difficult time focusing on what I am studying. I am worrying so much about my GPA. My roommate is blaring some hard-core rap music right now and as much as I try to pretend I don't like rap, I still have a side that appreciates good rappers. I especially like hip hop artists that are actually saying something soulful, but I can't deny sometimes I dance to the shallow stuff about money, hoes, and drugs. If it's got a good beat sometimes I have to. I am trying to avoid complaining about how terrible I feel. That is all I blog about these days, because depression has consumed my life. It has changed me, but I am still the same person. I still enjoy a good laugh and some rediculous rap jamz. I had a good weekend, but you wouldn't have thought so with how terrible I feel today. Kristin and Dawn came up and we were treated like royalty at Soaring Eagle. I have never had valet parking and door people catering to me. I liked it a lot. I gambled away five dollars at the casino, but it was fun and worth it. I spent the evening with a cool laid back guy I met through a friend and it was nice to have someone to show me around and how to work the different slot machines. He was around 6'4" though so the guy checking our ID's was giving us a hard time about the dramatic height difference between the two of us. We all stayed up until 6am, which I was not too thrilled about considering I knew I would spend today cramming for my two hardest exams that are both tomorrow.
I was reflecting on my birthday, since it is this week, and I started thinking about my birthday last year. I had so much fun with Kristin, Dawn, Leslie, and Cristina. We stayed up so late on a school night making shirts for Dawn on Winterfest Court and going out to eat. We didn't do any schoolwork that night. I remember talking about how much things were going to change, and now a year later, I don't think I could have imagined where I would be. I wouldn't go back if I could, though. It is strange, because I have felt so terrible with everything, but it has changed me so much and i don't think it's for the worse. I think I have matured tremendously in one year, and I like it. I feel like I see much more truth than I used to. I realize I still have so much to learn, and i will soon enough be reflecting on how much I have changed from this moment. I don't think you ever stop changing throughout life, which is very frustrating, but interesting to me. I guess I will always be confused, but who cares?- I don't anymore.
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