I Think I See the Flashlight?

The past couple of weeks have been really tough, especially the last week. I don't remember the last time I felt quite that low, but what made me feel so low is that I remember feeling like that for oh so long. When I say that I felt depressed, I feel like that term is overused and has so many stigmas attached to it that it doesn't help people to understand. It doesn't help that for so long I blamed myself and felt guilty for feeling so low. I would feel bad, because I know that I am pretty fortunate. I felt like an asshole who doesn't appreciate what I have, everytime I felt depressed. I always felt like I had to put on a happy face and stop feeling sorry for myself, and that takes so much energy and leads to me feeling worse. This week it got to the point where it was so bad that I stopped caring. I didn't feel the need to pretend I felt good. I didn't sleep much all week, even when I had the assisstance of Tylenol PM, although that is the only way I got up to 6 hours of sleep, which was a miracle compared to what I had been getting. I think it was good that the depression finally broke me down so that I had to stop pretending. My therapist thinks it has to be biological and I have an appointment to start anti-depressants on Monday. I still do not feel myself today, but I have been working out whenever I can this week, because the hour I would spend working out was really the only hour I would feel good every day. I couldn't do homework this week, because my mind was racing about everything. That is why my therapist thinks it is biological, because I have had no catastrophe that would be causing me to have such a restless mind. It is just happening. I have been moping around feeling sorry for myself, and I know that I am doing that, but I can't help it. It seriously was just too draining to do anything but listen to music and write. I would try, but it was too much. He also thinks that it is kind of a depression that works in cycles. It is on for a few weeks off for a few, but there is always a cloud of gloom, even when I feel happy. He said that is really common amongst people who suffer depression, that they can be happy and laugh like everyone else, but even in the moments of joy they know sadness is not far away and as soon as they stop laughing they feel it.

I think it is worse to feel like I have a lot of people supporting me, but still feel alone than actually being alone. Talking to people this week was a nightmare. I don't think I felt even a little better after talking to anyone, in fact most of the time I just felt worse. It is frustrating, because most people do not understand and their solutions for me are not adequate. I have heard so many things that make me feel awful. The number one thing I heard from people was to stop thinking so much, as if I can just tell my brain to shut down and go to sleep. When is thinking a bad thing? I am sure some of the greatest thinkers had many sleepless nights, not saying that I think I am a great thinker, but I do think it makes me a better thinker by experiencing this type of sleeplessness. I would rather be fully aware of what is happening to me so that I can be with each moment for a while, than just let things happen to me because I make quick decisions out of fear or because it is what everyone else wants for me. I have done that for far too long. I also received a lot of pitty, which is not what I wanted either. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, because that makes me feel worse, since I am aware that I do not deserve it.

My therapist said that the reason so many people have a hard time understanding mental health problems, especially depression, is because they like drama in their life that they can relate to, and for many people that is the type of drama that you can see on TV. The drama on TV is exciting for a lot of people so they like having dramatic situations that can make them feel like their favorite tv characters. Depression, however, does not make much of a TV show. Someone lying around all of the time and staying up extremely late doing absolutely nothing, does not make for a good TV show. It is actually rather boring. I felt like I was on another planet when I tried to explain to people inside of my support system about how awful I was feeling. I do not even know that I can put it into words. I think I am finally starting to feel a little better, enough to hopefully study for my psych exam tomorrow. I still feel gloomy, but at least I feel okay. I feel like I can focus a little better, and although i still feel sad. I do not feel as angry at everyone, which is a start. I get angrier at religion and religious people everyday, which is not good, but I think maybe it is a step towards healing from all of the things I was trying to deny.

I am looking forward to Spring Break. I am going to New Orleans with a Habitat for Humanity group from Siena. I think that will be really good for me, but I hope I am emotionally strong enough to help others in a month. I hope that anti-depressant kicks in by then, because I think that has the potential to really do some good for me. Maybe it will wake me up spiritually or something like that.