More Pessimism

I am at a breaking point, but there is no need for concern because I think I am actually already past it. I am beyond caring or even making any effort to break down. I am just existing without a purpose and without feelings of joy. The worst part is there is nothing that can be done to feel better except wait. I am waiting, but it is getting more frustrating everyday. I thought I felt better somewhat today. I actually got six hours of sleep which is a little more normal than 4. I only woke up once in the night and was able to get back to sleep fairly quickly. I even took a nap which ranged anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. It is hard to tell because it takes me so long to fall asleep that I don't really know how long I sleep. It usually takes me an hour to fall asleep for a short nap, and at night it takes an hour to get to sleep if I stay up really late, but way longer than that if I try to go to bed at a normal time. I was feeling fairly normal today and pretty tired. I decided I would go to bed at 10:30 and wake up and study for my math quiz, because I function best in the mornings. I stayed in bed trying to sleep for an hour and a half and then was still wide awake. I decided I would take a shower so I could sleep later in the morning, since I definately wasnt going to fall asleep anytime soon. So here it is, at 2am, and I am wide awake yet extremely tired. I just feel so sad and it is a hopeless state of sadness. I try to think of happy thoughts of things that would normally make me feel better, but I am drowning in pessimism and I can't find solace in anything, anyone, or anywhere. It gives me a stomach ache thinking about it. Speaking of which, my apetite has been very strange. If I had the energy to work out I am sure I would be losing weight, but I haven't worked out all week, because I am so tired that I get dizzy with any sudden movement. I went to the hottub and sauna with some friends tonight really looking forward to relaxing, because my back and neck has been killing me. I felt really dizzy iafter the first two minutes in the sauna. I felt like a loser, because I had to leave after such a short time. It was embarrassing. I feel like my head has taken a life of its own and I have no say or control over it and it just feels weird and screams at me throughout the day, but I don't understand what it is telling me.

I have exhausted my life lines of people to call and e-mail. At this time of night, most normal people are either sleeping or drunk...neither of those options will help me feel better. I guess, that is where a blog comes in great. I can just complain about things to an imaginary audience, and if people don't like it then they don't have to read it. It is just a way for me to vent some of my suffering without feeling like a burden to anyone. I almost feel like I could go to bed right now, but my roommate will be back from the club soon, and I know that will just make me feel awake. I am going to wait until I am more certain that I will fall asleep, because lying there for so long just makes me feel tense and then I really can't get to sleep.

I am hoping this weekend to catch up on homework and sleep, but of course I said that last weekend and all I did was mope around while accomplishing absolutely nothing. I am having such a hard time, because all I do anymore is feel sorry for myself and like no one understands, but then I realize I am feeling sorry for myself, yet I can't cheer up or look on the bright side. It is a viscious cycle, because then I feel bad that I am feeling so sorry for myself. I just want to complain to everyone, because no one understands what is going on. It is not something that is easy to bring up to people who think they know me so well, so I find myself reaching out for a lot of people outside of my everyday support system who do not have anything invested in whether or not I am happy. It sucks though, because it is a big risk and it is tough to tell how people are going to respond. It's kind of a lose/lose situation, because it's like I can either keep it to myself and feel terrible and lonely, or I can tell someone about it, but then feel terrible because they don't know how to respond. I just keep waiting for some sort of miracle. I guess, it's not as bad as it sounds, because time is flying in a weird way. It's like I feel so awful and like there is no way I will ever get better, but then yet another week has passed. I guess it's just my way of numbing myself to get through it quicker.

There was an article in our paper about a student here committing suicide after years of depression and how serious it can be. It warned students to get help. I don't know what I would have done had I not gotten help. It is hard enough getting through it with help. I am still struggling to get through everyday. I can't imagine where I would be without doctors and therapists. I really felt for this kid. The obituary had quotes from his dad about how he loved working on cars and always kept his promises. They talked about what a good kid he was, but how he always struggled with depression for years. I really felt for the father and the boy. It seemed to come at a time when I really didn't want to see something like that, but maybe in this moment is the only time I could really express the proper sympathy about the situation, not that that benefitted anyone considering I never met the kid and no one that knew him would care what I thought about it. I just felt more at peace that I could express sympathy instead of fear. I think I always responded to people with depression or those who attempted suicide with fear, but that really is not the proper response. I was just sad for the boy and his family, but not afraid. It is really silly to be afraid of depression and feel fear after a suicide. I have always felt fear after I learn of a suicide. I think it was fear of what I couldn't understand. I was afraid of the world for it could cause such pain in people. I was afraid of what the final moments were like when I would wonder if they got afraid or changed their mind. I still have a little fear when I think about the last few minutes before someone committs suicide, but I think most people are so exhausted by that point in time that they don't feel anything. I guess, that means it is good that I still have enough energy to feel a slight discomfort at the thought. It lets me know I am still alive to some degree.

I just took a break to chat with Danny across the hall. I feel a little better, because it is so lonely staying up so late all of the time. My roommate just came in too, so I guess I should get ready for bed for a second time. I don't know what I want to do this weekend. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I think I might finally be a little drowsy. I think I'll try to sleep like a normal person. That is really all I want right now.