"Believe in me, 'cuz I don't believe in anything"

And the days are not full enough

And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass.

- ezra pound

After not sleeping well for many nights, I have had two nights in a row of normal sleep. I feel extra tired, though. Catching up on such a large amount of missed sleep is never fully effective. The days have been slipping away. I am always disturbed by the way time slips by after midnight. It always feels like some sick joke. Every time I look at the clock, another hour has passed. I'm not nearly as productive as I'd like to be during my days off. However, I don't feel like I've been lazy either. I stay fairly busy, and I'm trying desperately to write with the discipline of professional writers. 

I e-mailed my former advisor/professor about a book idea. She responded with a beautifully written, very thorough e-mail about what I need to do in order to go through with it. It's the first time I feel like anyone's really believed in one of my big ideas. Usually people say, "maybe" and smile at my naive and youthful passion. I kind of expected my professor to do the same. I just asked if she thought the idea was worth pursuing. She said yes, it's an excellent idea, and then gave me a step-by-step of what to do. It never fails to amaze me how much more I can accomplish when I know someone believes in me--not just in the vague, "I care about you; I believe you will do something great," but in the specific, "you are great at_______; I think you should pursue it," kind of way. 

I am not the most confident writer, but after this year I think I am a decent one. I would not be a decent writer or even a writer, if lisa would not have told me that my writing was amusing, and I should try independent study with her when I was 17. Every other English teacher gave me occasional A's on papers, but never said, "wow, you have a talent." In fact, I didn't even like English until 10th grade. I didn't  feel like I was any good at it until just this last semester. It took: getting a job at the writing center, getting an essay published, a really supportive professor/entire writing class, and the support of my writer's group at home to make me feel like I could hold my own in the writing community. I did have some confidence from a few classes/professors the year before, but then I got a B in English 201 (A general, required English class) in the Fall. That was so upsetting, because I worked hard. In retrospect, I believe I deserved better. 

At the time, I let that grade kick down my sense of self-worth in general, and my confidence in English. It's stupid how one letter on a piece of paper can do that--how one negative professor can overpower all of the other English professors who liked me  and supported my writing. When I saw that grade, I felt like I was back in High School, when I found out I failed the writing part of the MEAP test, after I thought I had written a great essay (creativity is not a good thing on standardized tests. I learned that the hard way). Situations like that have made it so I can't accurately judge the quality of my writing. There have been too many times where I think I am writing something nicely, only to find out that it's terrible. There's even more times where I start to quit something, and someone will see it, and say, "This is really good." Why do I base the quality of my writing off of what other people say? After they tell me the "crap" is really good, I reread it, and start to see the good. Then it gives me the energy to keep working on it. My former professor said this is my biggest weakness as a writer--my inability to accurately judge my own writing. I don't know how to improve at that. I guess, keep writing and getting feedback.

Some people might not need anyone to believe in them. Take Jack Kerouac. He refused to change his book for anybody. He lived in his mother's basement and was a loser by most people's standards. Now, we learn about him in literature classes and he inspires tons of writers and musicians every year. I am not one of those people. I need people to believe in me  in order for me to feel I can achieve my full potential. Hopefully, one day, I will believe these people and no longer need to listen to any new criticism. Then I can say, "No, I think it reads better the way it is," and refuse to change anything. Until then, I will keep working my ass off to impress professors, advisors, peers, and anyone else who might read my writing.