And I Don't Want to Sleep

I'm not as anxious about moving as I've been in the past, but it's still incredibly stressful. It's still to the point where I stay up late and don't want to go to bed, because I can't handle even the few minutes of lying awake in bed with racing thoughts. I'm doing much better at slowing them down, but it takes me a while of staying up to do it. Today my friend, Adam, listened to one of my latest philosophies for life. He told me it made his "heart smile," because I've grown so much since the nights when he stayed up with me in New Orleans (back when I had lost my mind and couldn't ever sleep). Hearing that gave me a lot of positive energy to keep going. Sometimes I fall backward, and can't see the progress I've made. I forget that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I'm not going to passively let myself spiral down into Hell again.

My latest philosophy of life came to me while working on my fictional story. I wrote this as the Dad character when someone in my writing group said, "That's really insightful. Can I use that for my character?" Then I thought, "Why am I not applying this thought to my life?" I guess, it really is easier to preach ten sermons than to live one.

This character's outlook on life is that it is a relationship. Sometimes you forget why you are with the person, and think of any way possible to leave them, then there are those rare moments where you remember why you are head over heels, and you can't imagine ever leaving their side. Then...there's mostly those in between moments where you're just coasting with give and take going on. Life is real love. I think I can learn to love life and still have days where I hate it and want to leave. I just have to remember that loving relationships aren't all rainbows and unicorns. They take effort. I need to put more effort into different aspects of life. Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to realize that. It helps me find balance. All in all, at the end of the day, I find that balance seems to be the key to all happiness. Balance isn't my strength, but it's worth working on.