Young and Restless

I find myself restless while trying to be present in the moment, which is next to impossible. I feel like I’m stuck between two places. The week I move is always like that. I’m fitting in goodbyes to people I haven’t seen much all summer, feeling anxious about forgetting something or someone--fearing I might no longer belonging at school. I will be much happier when I get into my routine up there; I'm looking forward to seeing friends that I haven't seen since school, too.

I recently find myself questioning myself mercilessly, looking for answers I'm unable see. I’m no longer taking my medication. I’m okay with that thus far, but the idea of falling back into depression terrifies me, so I will try to monitor my symptoms closely. I cannot risk being that sick again. I have too many depressed people in my life who look to me for support. I have to stay in control of my situation. It will be hard when school starts, but I think it will result in more self-confidence, which I need. I think I've known what I need all along, but I've been afraid of being without this feeling I've known so long--afraid of losing my identity. This feeling is comfortable for me, because I know it so well. To conquer it is to step out of the comfort zone. I think I'm finally strong enough, though.

I’m doing better spiritually than I have been in years. I can’t put my experiences in boxes, but I’m finally content with my views on life, and I don’t feel angry or that uncomfortable being surrounded by religious people who sometimes try to force their views on me. I’m beginning to feel compassion for them instead of jealousy or resentment; I’m working on loving them where they are at. I don’t mean that in a fake saintly way, because I will benefit from practicing love for these people, and I hope that they will love and accept me where I am at too. That’s what is so great about love-- real altruistic love--everyone wins. It doesn't always work that way, but I am thankful when it does, and it helps reveal who my real friends are.