Where Have I Been?

Today in second hour, Caitlin and I were talking about how we hadn't blogged since February. I thought it might be, because bloggers seem to feed of each other. I hadn't been giving or receiving comments, and I felt very distant from everything. I had no desire to write about my experiences. Then I got to thinking "I really should blog" about ANYTHING. Then on myspace Rhiannon left me a message saying she still reads my blogs...that gave me the fire I needed to fight of the apathy I have been feeling when it comes to writing and keeping in touch with myself. I understand that when I do not take care of myself emotionally, that everything else in my life seems to pass me by. The last several weeks have not been dull. I just didn't want to write about them. In return for me forgetting to keep in touch with myself, I lost/forgot everything. I would have forgotten my head had it not been attached.

I know it is important to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally, but I seem to put those last compared to everything else. So I had my 18th birthday last week, and that was actually very fun. My friend gave me her old roller blades that she knew I wanted. I have been using them whenever possible. I love listening to my ipod and just skating carelessly. It feels so good. It helps my mood and it helps keep my mind from exploding.

I am working on practicing being more present in the moment. It deals with some meditation techniques, but I can't call it meditation, because I get too frustrated and expect too many results. I think if I clean my room and my notebook, then my life will feel a littl more in control. It has been spinning around out of control for the past few weeks, and I do not like it at all.

I did realize today that I have three weeks untill Spring Break. On Spring Break I plan to get organized and relax. I also realized that I have no school next Wednesday. All of this made me realize I can totally make it to Spring Break. All of my friends seem to be going to warm place, but I don't mind (that much) that I am not. I just need a week to get my crap together.

I am having a hard time forcing myself to write about some of my experiences lately. I have been doing fine and having fun, but I feel like things keep changing more all of the time. I suppose it is only going to get more dramatic as graduation approaches. Captains Week is this week for soccer. Kristin, Cristina, and I are responsible for planning the week's agenda. Next week soccer officially starts and we have a scrimmage on March 21. This final season is going to fly by. I hope that I just enjoy it and have fun. Soccer has always been a huge part of my life and it has been more than a game for me. This year I want it to be just a game again. I want to have fun and not be hard on myself. That is far easier to say then do. I know that I will not appreciate every game like I should, but by being aware of this problem...hopefully I will appreciate it to some extent.

Everything has been overwhelming, but overall going well. Adam is home from Paris and London. I was excited to see him again, but not excited to see the stitches on his poor face(but it makes a great story.) He bought me a necklace for my birthday from Harods. I received several compliments on it today. I suppose I should stop complaining about being unorganized and go do something to help the situation. I will try to blog a little more regularly.

Overwhelmed

After a five day weekend, which was lovely, I have come to the realization that I have a ton of things I have left for myself to do today. Now I am feeling overwhelmed. I am in the process of doing laundry and I was cleaning off the dresser in my room, because I lost a card with a $50 check in it. I have been frantically searching for it off and on for at least a week. I am beginning to think that it is not going to show up. I need to do scholarships, begin my paper for lit comp, and laundry up to my neck. I also had wanted to go to lunch with my grandma and spend a couple hours at the nursing home. I don't know how this is all going to work out.

Friday I had another cat scan. This time of just my sinuses. I am getting anxious to know the results of that, but I have no idea when I will know what is wrong. They told me if the problem is my sinuses, that it will be an easy fix. If it is not, then there will be more tests and it will get a little more tricky. I hope it is just sinus blockage or something along that line.

I am feeling overwhelmed with my college decision. I don't know what I want anymore and U-M still has not made a decision on me. I don't seem to know what is best for me anymore. I guess, it's just a hope for the best sort of thing. I am working on being more independent. I think college will help me be more idependent. I need to do tons of scholarships none the less.

My birthday is coming up, and I am so busy that weekend with Student Senate, because it is winterfest. I am trying to make plans the weekend before and after, but I am feeling stressed with all of these miscellaneous plans for the next 3-4 weeks. After those weeks are over, soccer will be starting. I am so not ready for soccer to start with all of my breathing problems and all of that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am going to be terrible. Speaking of breathing problems, last night I went to this blues bar/restaurant to see a band. By the end of the night, my lungs were on fire and I was coughing up a storm. I have never been that bothered by smoke. It has to be all of my new, weird, health problems.

Well, I should get back to stressing and trying to accomplish things.

Velma

I've been putting this off for too long, but it needs to be done. I need to remember your face forever. I don't want to forget your blue eyes. They were big and sometimes red. I am already doubting my memory; were they blue? I wish I had a picture of you, or at least a chance to say goodbye. I want to describe every line on your face perfectly. I would always trace them in my head while you were sleeping. When you would gasp for air, my heart would stop. I would gently rub your left arm to let you know I was there, because you were alone far too often. You would talk in your sleep and I would listen intently. I would make sure to memorize every line I could make out, while trying to make sense of what you said.

"Grandpa and Grandma," you called out. "If you have to live there, then you will."

My imagination ran wild as it imagined what this conversation between your grandparents from Germany could be about. Your face scrunched up in agony. I reached for your hand nervously, and you grabbed it. I wondered whose hand you were holding in your sleep, because I knew better than to think it was mine.

My thoughts were swirling frantically. I admit that I thought you were dying. I secretly wished you would, so you wouldn't have to die alone. God, I don't want to die alone. I selfishly wanted you to live, even though you had been wishing for death. I was also afraid for you to die with me there, because I have been fortunately sheltered from death in my short life. I wouldn't know how to handle it, because I am not that strong.

Over an hour passed of me sitting silently with you. I wanted to kiss your wrinkled face, but the metal bar on the hospital bed stood in the way. I settled for squeezing your hand. You opened our eyes and smiled. I said my goodbye with a smile, but while holding back tears. I thought it would be my last goodbye, so I said all the right things.
I saw you again the next week. I walked in relieved and asked "How are you feeling?"

"Better now that you are here" you said making my heart melt.

As we talked, I realized that I loved you as my own grandmother. I said my goodbyes for the week. It wasn't a perfect goodbye, because you were doing much better. I was upset, because you said you wanted to die. I tried to hide my frustration from you. I didn't think you would die, but you did. The very next day, from what I am told. Too bad that no one told me until the next week, because "I was not your family." Who was your family? You were the last living member of your family. Who went to your funeral? I wish I could have gone. No one else understood our friendship. We had an age difference of eighty years. They gave me no pictures of you, no explanation of how it happened or where to find you now. They just handed me the alarm clock that I had given you.

"Do you want this back?" a nursing home worker asked.

"I guess," I shrugged. I felt no emotion. I took the black alarm clock and walked out the heavy doors to the nursing home. I didn't bother to catch them behind me. I let them slam, the same way they slammed the door on our friendship. I have no closure, just a quilt square that you gave me, and memories. I learned from you that memories can not be trusted. They fade and become cloudy. When you told me this, I wanted to kiss you, but that metal bar was still between us. Now I will never get to kiss you, because there are worlds between us. I guess it's always something, but I wish there was just a tiny bar between us again.

I have not felt like myself at all for months now. Mostly because of my daily headaches and sinus problems. Today I still had a headache, but I felt like me. I was goofing around in Independent Study, I was genuinely smiling, when people asked me how I was doing I actually said "good" instead of "okay," and I just felt I paid more attention to the ladies at the nursing home. I then read the side effects on the new steroid pills I stared today, and "mood changes" is listed as one of them. I was like "Well, I'll take that." I just hope it isn't like mood swings, and then I'll be the opposite tomorrow. If it is, at least I will be able to blame the drugs.

I learned that the one woman's roommate that I used to speak of (the one who developed alzhiemer's after I had started visiting) passed away last week. I had a feeling she would, she was very sick last week. She didn't even know her own family members that were visiting. I think it is what she wanted though, because she was so disoriented that she never knew what was going on. She was always scared, paranoid, and depressed. She was not like that at all when I first started visiting there. She was the sweetest woman. She talked really soft and would always join in my conversations with the woman I visit there. She was so thoughtful and sweet. When she started getting sick this summer, I think my heart would break a little more each time I saw her. She started out just being confused, then she started losing that sweet personality and getting more demanding and angry. I think one of the worst times was when she was sitting on her bed wearing only a bra. She was asking me to get her some clothes out of the closet. I started to do that, but then the Velma (The woman I visit) told me not to. She told me Viera (The roommate) was supposed to be wearing the clothes she had on the bed. Viera began to grow angry with me and started crying. I told her I wished I could help her and that I could get a nurse, but she was being totally irrational. It broke my heart when the nurses came in. Viera started yelling and swearing at the nurses, and she would never have done that in her right mind. She was the sweetest, soft-spoken woman.

Today Velma told me how she was ready to die and she hoped it was soon. She is 96 and still so innocent and sweet. She believes in everything she says, without any doubts. I have really grown attach to her, and while I know she is anxious for her last day to come, I do not want it to. I guess that's just the selfish side of me coming out.

There is so much drama going on over who is going where for Spring Break. All of my closest friends are like ready to kill each other. I don't really want to deal with it...I am seriously thinking about just staying home. It will be soccer season anyways. I probably should stay home. Today when I mentioned that my best friend was like "Who are you trying to impress?" meaning why am I not going to just do what I want to do instead of worry about everyone else. The answer is I am not trying to impress anyone. I just will not have a good time if I feel guilty the whole time...I guess it's just my guilt issues taking over like always.

Tonight I went to Applebees with my dad and my sister, because my mom was at meetings. It was a nice get away from the normal week, but then I realize it is only Tuesday. So I should get over the stressed feeling, and face the week head on...a nice dinner was nice anyways.

Saturday Adam wants me to go to this "Erotic Play" about lesbians. I was like "What are you trying to say?" at first, but then he informed me it is free and it is a feminist play by a woman who used to work for the Bush administration. So I think I will go, because it will be a chance to spend some time with Adam and expand my theatre experiences. I need to be open-minded. I just have been feeling so sick so often, that I don't really like to go out on Saturday nights anymore. I like to sit home in my P.J's and watch Saturday Night Live and movies with my family. I know, not typical 17 (almost 18) year-old behavior.

Friday is my cat scan. A lot of people are nervous for me, which is very sweet...Surprisingly I am not nervous though. Can you believe that? ME! the most nervous person in the whole entire world is not nervous about a cat-scan. I mean, it's a little scary to think about the possibilities, but I am almost 100% it's just some sinus problems. Also I just keep making jokes about it...which sounds immature, but is helping tremendously. I kept telling Caitlin and Christine in I.Study, that the worst they could tell me is I am dying from feline aids...the discussion wouldn't even be scary because they would be like:

DOCTOR: "We have some bad news. We don't k now how to tell you this, but we think you have a new disease. It's called felinitis. The good news is we are going to name it the "Aimee disease," after you."

ME: What does that mean, Doctor?

Doctor: It means you seem to be a cat. P.S. you have feline aids.

That is the running joke in 2nd hour, that I am secretly a cat. It's lame, immature, all of the above. We seem to get a kick out of it though, and it really has made me not nervous about anything. Plus like I mentioned before, I am pretty sure all of my constant sickness is just sinus issues anyways. So what is there to be scared about?

I have to go do an English paper that I have been procrastinating. I needed to vent though, because my sister just accidently deleted all of the 400 songs on my I-pod. I don't want to be angry at her, because I know she didn't mean to. There is probably a way to fix it, but I just needed to write a little to calm down.

Looking Past All That Shines

All that glitters is not gold, but why do I want it anyways?

I don't know what I really want to address in this blog. I just know that I have not been writing as frequently as I should be for my Independent Study. I have no desire to write at this moment, but I am making myself. I had a doctors appointment on Friday to go over my continuous sickness that does not go away. I am now on more drugs and am going to be getting a cat scan. I hope the cat scan takes place sometime this week, because the sooner that happens, the sooner I can go to a specialist. The sooner I go to a specialist, the sooner I can get better (at least I hope so.) I am now officially out of shape. I have gained at least 5 pounds, and I hate feeling unhealthy. I just can't run frequently when I am sick everyday.

I slept until 11:45 today. I did not want to do that. I try to wake up at a decent time on Sundays, because it helps me sleep easier Sunday night. I woke up at nine, but I was so tired. I decided to go back to sleep for an hour, but then I woke up at 11:45. I have been so tired from being sick, that I am hoping I will get to sleep okay still.

This week I plan to go in to talk to April again. (The youth minister I met with the one time.) I like her perspective on the Catholic faith. I feel like I need religion to be a part of my life, just to keep me on track with self-evaluation and for a sense of purpose? It is hard, because no matter what religion or lack there of, people are going to think you are wrong and not support it. I guess I need to work on following my own desires and taking care of myself spiritually, and I think April helps me with that.

I pick these role-models for so many different reasons (they can be celebrities, friends, adults, or anyone really,) and then I seem to want to know everything about them and I pin my insecurities and imperfections on them. What always happens, is that the more I get to know them, the more human they become to me, and the less interested I become in their ideas. I worry that I am seeking self-affirmation from people, and then when I get it. It's not what I want anymore. I worry that I am getting too excited to have someone that understands me in the Catholic faith, and then the more I talk with her about faith, the more I will be back to where I started. That's the thing about faith, I guess. It's a constant struggle. In the Anne Lamott book I just read recently, she used a quote from some religious figure that said something about how it is a new battle everyday to have faith. It doesn't carry over from day to day. You have to find it everyday, and sometimes you don't find it, but then you try again tomorrow.

I wish I could spell. I always submit things, such as comments or letters...thinking that I have spelled everything correctly, but later am haunted by mistakes. Then, I feel like an idiot and it bothers me for days. I rarely use spell checks on here, unless I have no idea how to spell a word. I guess I am just lazy. I need to work on that. The thing is, I use spell check sometimes, but when I use it I am fine. When I don't use it, of course something is wrong. I need to start being more aware of spelling, because the truth is people do judge you on spelling.

On another note, everyone should watch "#1 Single" on E! Lisa Loeb has her own reality show and it is very fun and cute. I wish I had E! because I would love to watch it tonight at 10pm. Luckily my lovely grandma is recording it for me! So check it out!

La Dolce Gilda

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

I AM NOT A REBEL!

I must say that I could not have asked for a more perfect time for a snow day. I was not expecting it at all. I was up, for what felt like all night, but was only a mere hour. It was still later than I wanted to go to bed at, since I am sick. Then for some reason today I am just so dead tired. I got plenty of sleep, but I think maybe it's the messed up sinuses. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just felt really terrible this morning, and I didn't feel prepared for the school day. I used today to get a lot of things I needed to do done. I am going to bed early as well. Even if I feel sick the rest of the week, I only have to get through tomorrow and Friday. I can do it!

I have been very confused about the Catholic Faith, for years now. I kind of have just separated myself from the church and claimed to have no religion. I just considered myself spiritual and Christian, but kind of a bad Christian. Today I talked to a Catholic Youth Minister in her twenties, who I knew from my first trip to S. Dakota. I knew she was much more open-minded than a lot of people of faith that I have talked to, so when I heard she had moved back from Boston I asked her if I could ask her about her faith. She seemed really excited to share her beliefs with me. I think I needed something like that, because now I do not feel so "rebellious" and distant from the church. She told me why she is Catholic and what has made her question her faith. She was very liberal and open minded. She told me, that she liked the Catholic faith because of the mentors she had when she was younger, they encouraged her to question things and be brave enough to admit anger about things. She spoke of all of the positive things about the faith, that I had been forgetting about. She said with other faiths she did not feel she could ask questions. I told her that is how I felt about the Catholic Faith, and she said that made her sad that is how things are right now. She encouraged my questions and my independent spiritual search. She told me she was so glad that I am taking the time to question. It is the best I have felt about my spirituality in a very long time. I have somehow gotten this twisted idea that I am a bad person, because I don't have the same beliefs as the people of faith that I know and I don't really claim an official religion. I am allowed to search around and to follow my heart. In fact, it should be encouraged. It feels good to know I am not a rebel. I am me!

I'm sick...yet again

So I'm fricken sick again. I know what you are thinkin' "big surprise." I have been sick on and off for months. Whenever I finish my anti-biotic, within a few days I get sick again. It is frustrating me, because I feel that I have been taking good care of myself. Being sick so much is making me feel sorry for myself, and is affecting my mood. I feel like a helpless hypochondriac that has a new symptom almost weekly. I feel like my friends do not understand, because everytime they ask me to hang out, I use the same excuse I have been using all year "oh I don't know; I don't feel that great." I mean what must be running through their heads everytime I say that? I know that they believe that I am sick, but are they thinking "this girl is a weakling who makes a big deal over nothing and can't stay healthy?" I sure hope not, but I feel like that a lot. I am going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow on my day off. I hope that they will run some more tests or something to put my mind at ease, instead of saying "oh you are just sick again, and after four anti-biotics there's nothing more we can do."

Everythings else is going decent. I am doing okay in school, but I am upset I worked hard on preparing for my government test only to receive a C+. It was quite a dissapointment. I guess I will have to work even harder next time. Speaking of which, I need to do stuff for that class tomorrow. I feel like such a bum, because with being sick and all I have not accomplished anything lately. I even skipped my indoor soccer game today, which makes me sad. Oh well, at least everything else is fine and I have the day off tomorrow. I hope the doctor can tell me what is my problem. I hope everyone else is healthy!

Enough Already

I saw a glimpse of my immaturity mixed with a noticable growth from last year. I have commented on Student Senate "drama" before. I have done everything I could to avoid it. I have not bad-mouthed anyone and I have done what I have been told. Somehow I have been thrown into the "bashin' bin." I was angry at first, because I feel that I am not included in any of the activities, but then expected to contribute. I felt betrayed, because I have been nothing but polite to people. I rarely get angry, so I noticed my immaturity at my anger. In order for me to be angry I have to feel vindicated, and in the past I was not confident enough to be angry. I would just get sad. Although, the anger is progress...I do realize that anger is an immature reaction most of the time, because it can take over rational thoughts. I was fortunate enough to have Big Brothers/Big Sisters today after that class, so I was able to find my normal self again. My first instinct was to grap the angry music with "F-You" screamed frequently. I then decided to select the one Christian song on my ipod and jam to it. Then my rational thoughts came into play. Well, truthfully it was not until the ride home from visiting my "little sister" that the rational thoughts came. After spending a nice time with my little, I decided that I should not feel slighted at their comments. I know that I am doing my best to be a good person. I will admit that I probably deserve to be talked about behind my back sometimes, but this is one of the few times where I didn't. I realized that the people that were saying stuff are not people I will see after I graduate. I have done my part to be respectful, and that is all I can do. If they want to talk bad about me, what good is it for me to get all angry about it? I shouldn't base my self-analysis on their opinions, so who cares?

As honest and mature as those thoughts are, I still feel some anger at writing about this. I know I shouldn't be, but it's amazing how I can be completely comfortable with a situation, and then feelings take over. I think it just comes down to my feelings were hurt for no apparent reason. I need to get used to it, because that's life...and plus I am a little bit "overly sensitive." Hey, I'm a writer...What do you expect? So the good news is...I can see growth in the aspect of understanding my feelings. The bad news is... I still feel a little slighted by the drama.

I have decided I will most likely continue doing more personal blogging on here, unless I get more interested people on my space. I wonder if any of my friends read my blogs on there, and if they do that makes me feel like I cannot be as honest. Well, I am off to study for a Govt. test tomorrow. I hope it goes well. Oh an I start job shadowing at a physical therapists office tomorrow. I am quite nervous!

MY Space

I joined my space so that I could view some profiles of people a while back and I forgot about it. I just decided to give it a try today, so if you get bored...http://www.myspace.com/sparkleaimee

Like Old Times

Well, I was sick again for Christmas, but other than that it was a really nice break! It feels like old times (This past fall) again, with that "Back to School" vibe going around, me talking about being sick, and then I just got back from my first real run that I have taken in a long time! I feel good.

I actually have real homework tonight and all of the teachers talked about how this semester is "going to be harder." It is going to be tough to stay motivated, but I am kind of excited about some of the stuff I will be doing in Lit Comp and Ind. Study. I hate school and homework, but I love the idea of learning new things. It just seems I get so burnt out on everything I don't really learn I just "get by for the test." I hope this semester I can enjoy my last semester of high school and just go all out, but have a good time. My friends are discussing a possible trip to NYC for Spring Break. I am not sure if we can pull it off, but I would just be in heaven if we can go. I hope it won't cost too much money though, because I really can't afford it right now with college approaching.

For Independent Study we actually have daily assignments and goals. I am excited, because I kind of needed a push, but I am wondering how long we will all stay motivated. When things get stressful for everyone we start to slack. I hope I can get some good comedy stories going this semester. I did not have enough funny pieces in my last porfolio. I do not really have any big news or anything to share. Everything is grand.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think people are more interested in their theory of who I am, rather than actually knowing who I am.

Almost There

I can't wait for break to get here. I am tired of school, but at the same time I haven't had nearly as much to be tired about this year. I think I might be getting a virus to go along with my anti-biotic. I really don't know what is wrong with me. Today I stopped by to visit my little sister (the one through Big Bro/Big Sis). She was so sweet today. I was impressed by how she has matured in such a short time. Her ninth birthday was on December 5th. I missed hearing about it because I was sick last week when I was supposed to visit her. My mom bought her this really cute sweatshirt with a monkey keychain attached. I was all worried that it wouldn't fit or she wouldn't like it, but it fit her and she loved it! We played with the monkey keychain too. We made him knock over all of the blocks and silly things like that. I actually had a blast doing those things. I am such a kid at heart. She was so polite opening the gift. She opened the card first and said thankyou many times. I was so impressed. She gave me so many hugs it was adorable. I love kids when they are sweet like that.

So I had another vase blow up in ceramics, which almost resulted in an undercover temper-tantrum. Luckily Mr. Bytwork was nice enough to allow me to stay into seventh hour and then helped me one-on-one make another one. If this next one blows it will blow my grade along with it. It is just too late to make another one before the end of the semester.

Ashlee has an orchestra concert tonight. I suppose I will go, although I am not crazy about squeaky violins. I might need a nap now, in order to do that.

I am supposed to be past having boy drama for this year. I thought I was very clear that this was to be a no more boy confusion time. I was told yesterday that Brandon has been "talking" with my only other ex-boyfriend's girlfriend. Yes, twisted indeed. Now, Brandon and I are not dating so I should not care. I told him he could see other people. I guess when I said that, I was expecting like college girls, not someone a year younger than me who is dating the only other guy, besides Brandon, that I ever dated. The reason I was kind of angry was because this whole line he always tells me about "I'm real," and I believe him everytime, but then stupid little rumors always lead me to doubt him. It makes me wonder if I ever really believe him to begin with. It just made me think, that really he hasn't grown up like I thought he had, and maybe I haven't either. I thought we had both grown up for the better, but this leads me to believe things are the same as they have always been between us. He came over just Friday and told me how he missed me and comes home to see "his family, Justin, and me," There was enver anything about this other girl (Whom I happen to like I might add). So it makes me question his "I'm real and have nothing to hide" claims. I haven't decided whether to talk to him about it or just give up on it all. I suppose I will have to talk to him about it sometime soon, since we are supposed to hang out over Christmas. It just confuses me is all and I hate feeling like a naive fool. Oh well, "This too...shall pass." I'm off to take a nap.

Snow Day

Today was a snow day and for that, I am thankful! I have a ton of homework still, because unfortunately my teachers planned on a snowday and gave me work due Monday, and lots of it. I found this very dissapointing with sub-deb being this weekend. I am very excited for subdeb. We are taking a very hot party bus and Leslie and I burnt a cd full of hot bus songs, such as "The Venga Bus" by the Venga Boys and "Back of the bus" OutKast. It should be a ghettofabulous evening. As subdeb always is. Good times of very loud rap music, pure chaos, and a steaming hot dance floor (literally).

This evening I went to a party with my mom, sister, and other teachers that she teaches with. We froze outside for the "Parade of Lights" Afterwards we went to a home for food. I had a nice time, but I always get in weird moods after talking a lot with people I do not know very well, where I worry too much. Questions like, "Did I talk to much?" or "Did I sound like an idiot when I said this..." all run through my head. I am getting better and reassuring myself I am allowed to have a good time and be real. I don't need to be so conservative that I am fake. I know everything was fine, but I am working on eliminating those questions completely.

I have been doing a lot of writing for IND Study as I may have mentioned before. I am growing excited with some of my stories that I have come up with. For the longest time I was having a terrible time creating anything original that I was passionate about. I kept complaing that all of my stories were "cheesy". ms eddy told me that I just needed to create characters that Iwas passionate about so I could have more of their background and make readers care about them too. I also was stressing about length. I would write like mad on a good idea get to like 20 pages and then be like "Where am I going with this?" Then I never touch it again. Or I would be like, "I have to make this a long story" and get stuck because I would be trying to create something that wasn't there. I am getting more and more excited about my portfolio with every meeting I have with ms. eddy. I just hope it all comes together and is something I am really proud of.

I attended a group prayer meeting today for lunch since we had the day off. I was not sure I wanted to go, but I am really glad I did. I found out a friend of mine from fifth grade and middle school, her father died last night. It is really sad, because this girl has kind of dropped out of school and been in trouble with drugs. Her father was really dissapointed by all of this and now he is gone. I heard she is experiencing a lot of guilt, because she hurt him so badly and now he is gone before she could fix it. I hope this will motivate her to change her lifestyle, because she really has a lot of potential. She has set herself back a couple of years, but I think she could use this to get her life back. I hope that this will help her see how fragile life is, instead of sending her into a deeper darkness. I can't stop worrying about her. Although I don't see her much anymore, I am hoping I can attend the service, but I know it will probably be during school. I would at least like to go to the visitation. It is just another example of making sure to live the life you want to be living, because regret is not a feeling you can get rid of or change.

The Conclusion

Well, today I went to the doctor. I am on an anti-biotic, yet again...they think I never got better is the deal. The bacteria must me immune to the weaker doses, they said that they have seen several cases lately of strep resisting the anti-biotic. I am hoping third time is a charm. The good news is, that I am probably not even contagious...since I have been on anti-biotic twice now. This new one I have to take 3 times a day for 14 days. That will be a pain, but if it gets me healthy again it is worth it.

I had a nice long discussion with ms. eddy today...really long...about my writing and everything. I feel much better after doing so. I feel like I will be able to pull it all together somehow. I think I was just setting unreal expectations for my writing. I was rather frustrated with my friends again today. Nothing huge, just little things. It just makes me see how we all need to go our seperate ways. It wasn't anything catty like usual, it was just one of those days where everyone was grumpy and not communicating with eachother and it made me frustrated, even though my day was fine, except for being sick.

I have come to the conclusion that everything will be okay. It's a big conclusion, that I have always known. I just decided that everything will turn out in the future. I will adapt, so I need to stop worrying about whether or not I get accepted to U-M or if I get a stupid B in ceramics. I am just living my life the best I know how and I will just have to deal with what I am dealt...or that I deal myself. I am unsure of the whole fate V self theory. I just know that if things get sucky...I will get through it. If things aren't sucky, then I will enjoy it. Those are the only options I have. I am going to bed early tonight. I am very tired...I think it's the whole sick thing.

I'm sick...yet again

Well, I am sick again for the third time in a short time period. I was panicking that I had a week immune system or something was wrong with me, but then I remembered the lady at the nursing home was sick last week and she was coughing all over her hand. Then I grabbed hold of her hand before I left...that's just common sense I guess. So on another sucky tangent, my vase blew up in ceramics. I have had so many things ruined in there. I don't think I can get an A at this point. My vase was my best one yet, probably because he helped me so much with it. Then it blew...that blows haha.

A lot has happened over the past week. Most importantly, Brandon and I are no longer formally dating. He brought up the one night that he like me a lot and that he wanted to wait until we were both ready to commit to a serious relationship. He said he didn't want to mess up a good thing by rushing. That is exactly how I felt and what I had been saying. I was a little taken back by the fact that he suggested the whole waiting to get serious thing. I thought I would be the one to bring that up, but I guess it is good we are on the same level. So we are still talking on the phone a lot and planning on hanging out over Christmas. Everything is basically the same with no pressure. I like it. We both agreed we could casually see other people as well. I went on a "group date" with a friend of mine, his girlfriend, his cousin, and a couple of other friends. It was nice. I had fun. Sub deb is this Saturday and I am very excited. The group I am going with has over 20 people and we rented this "party bus" with leather seats and colored lights. It should be a blast!

I have been e-mailing a girl who is a freshman at U-M. She was in my math class for 2 years, but we never talked much. She has been very helpful telling me about U-M and her portfolio last year for Ind. Study. We have the same type of humor, so I have been getting a kick out of her e-mails and wondering why we never talked at school last year? It is weird how some of my best friends from last years senior class and I barely keep in touch. Then some of the people I barely talked to, I have been running in to and talking with quite a bit. I have been writing A LOT because I am stressing about what I will include in my portfolio. I want it to be stuff I am proud of, but I am just not sure which pieces yet. I hope ms. eddy will be able to help me with all of that.

My friend Leslie, signed me up for a spray on tan with her. (I won a free one from afterprom last year.) I am scared I will turn out orange, but my friend Erika always looks good when she gets them. I am also a little nervous about the whole standing there in my underwear while a woman sprays me down. That is going to be very uncomfortable.

Also, last week I found out my cousin is pregnant. She and I used to be best friends growing up. She is 1 year and half older than I and a year and a half younger than my brother...so it was like perfect when the three of us would hang out. I am so dissapointed, because I feel like she probably did not take the proper precautions. She probably was like "oh so what if I get pregnant?" She is not even dating this guy...he is in the service and he is not even taking responsibility for it. The thing I think I am mad about...is that she is excited. It is just so careless and foolish. Her life will never be the same again. At nineteen she is going to be forced to grow up. I doubt she will go back to school either. I guess it's her life though. I just pray she can handle it and that the kid grows up okay. I know my Aunt and Uncle will make sure it does. I'm off to dinner.

Why Am I Even Blogging?

I feel like I have nothing important to say. I cannot get motivated to write or blog at all. I am forcing myself to blog just so I can say I have done something for IND Study. I seriously am beginning to wonder why I blog? I don't have anything special to say. One benefit is my informal writing has definately improved. I have a pimple right on my hairline that is really killing me. I popped it once, but it is all huge and painful. I have a paper to finish for BIO tonight, I had a nice day at the nursing home and at Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had a major flashback when I sat in on my little sister's music class. I had the same teacher in elementary and I could not keep a straight face at how everything was the same. I am worried about the 96 year old woman I visit at the nursing home. She is really sick. I always really worry about her when she gets sick. I just can't help but wonder if she will get better.

Today in Independent Study, ms. eddy was talking about how she can see through people and that scares people, because they do not like to expose their vulnerabilties. I then asked her "but don't you think people can see through you too?" She was telling me about how she is not ashamed of herself and she purposely makes herself transparent. She was claiming she puts everything out there for everyone to see, even the bad stuff like hate, failure, and weakness. She was saying she is not proud of it, but she is not ashamed of it. It got me thinking how much more comfortable I have grown with myself, but I started trying to decide if anyone can ever be totally comfortable with themselves and if so how long until I get there? People can tell me all day that they are comfortable with themselves, but I can't help but doubt them. I am such an optimist at times, but totally pesimistic at others. This is one of those things I have a hard time being optimistic about. I can't help but think everyone is just caught up in their image. I don't understand extremes and lack of understanding. I really do not have anything to say, but I need to push myself. I have taken too many days off from writing.

I'm content with who I am,
but scared of who I will be.
I don't feel happy,
but I don't feel sad.
I don't feel anything at this exact second.
I am not worried.
Happiness passes within a few seconds.
It is nice, but overrated.
Sadness evolves into a greater happiness.
It is hard, but builds character.
I wouldn't change a thing,
but I often wish I could.

Back to Reality

Thanksgiving is over. I am now trying to figure out which homework I want to do. I feel like I have so much to do, (mostly for IND Study) but none of it is due tomorrow. I need to get a good chunk of something...I just do not know where to start. I decided to start by blogging. That way I can get the fun holiday off my mind and get back to reality. I had a really nice long weekend, but it feels like it wasn't long at all. Wednesday afternoon I went to lunch with Brandon. Then I went to see Rent with a bunch of my girlfriends. I loved that movie. The music was great, but I was all having a great time and I did not know that it was so sad. (I had never seen the play or been told the plot). I was like slapped in the face with how sad it was because I was not expecting it. Later that evening I was able to watch my favorite women of SNL on the Ellen show. Then Adam came home and we all set up the tree, or more like watched my sister and mom put up the tree.

We spend Thursday in Ohio at my cousins. It was nice to have a family get together in the middle of nowhere. It was a much needed break from Adrian. We spent the night in a nice hotel Thursday night and headed home after lunch at my cousins house on Friday. after a 3 hour drive. I went out with Brandon to see "Just Friends" it was a cute date movie. He then came back with me and we enjoyed the entertaining company of my brother and "Sailor." They were hilarious. I later drove Ashley home in the terrible snow. Brandon came along and everything. Then at 2:15 in the morning Brandon headed home and before so gave me a ring of his with his initials on it. I think that means we are now officially a couple? I am not sure, but that is what I am counting it as.

Last night Leslie and Erika came over and we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I really love that movie. It is such a cute coming of age story. They left early because I had my soccer game this morning. We didn't have a lot of subs so I played almost the whole game (I sat for five minutes). I was sooo tired, but it was a fun game. I then came home and showered in a hurry to get to Brittany's. She was home for Thanksgiving, but had to leave for the airport at 2 this afternoon. I didn't get to see her long, but it was nice to see her again. It messes with my mind having her so far away. I had to rush from her house to babysit for two boys...one is 5 and the other is 3. They were so wild! I babysit for them often, they are usally pretty good, but today they were out of control! Their mom said they have been like that for like four days. I am sure she was glad to get out of the house to see Harry Potter. I handled them okay. The oldest one is always really good for me, but the three year old is at that phase were he does the opposite of everything I tell him to. It was drving me crazy! So that was my weekend...I have lots of stuff I need to do, but I would love to get in my PJ's and not do anything. Oh well, maybe I will compromise and do my homework in my PJ's? This is really a pointless entry, but just wanted to say I had a fun weekend and avoid homework.

My Transparent Poem

Well, today ms. eddy tore apart my poem in the edditting proccess. I will post the newer, improved version later...

I Don't Really Know...

I did not realize it had been a full week since I had last blogged. I do not feel like I have needed to express myself lately. It must be because I have been doing a lot of writing for Independent Study trying to prepare my portfolio. I worked on my portfolio all day yesterday. I am actually kind of excited about it. I was worried it wouldn't be something that I am proud of, but I am starting to put a lot of work into and I am starting to feel a sense of accomplishment with it. I hope the final thing is something I will be really proud of. I bought all of this really cool scrapbook paper with lots of cool designs on it. I am going to put my poems on there. I bought designs and images on the paper that reflect the moods of the poem. I also had this cool transparent paper that I was excited about, but I did not have anything to use it on. It helped inspire the name of my portfolio. I have decided that title will be Transparent. I like that because I like how people think they can see through each other, but there are always so many layers. It is going to be like a collection of my different moods and layers. I plan to attach the transparent paper to the title page so you have to look through it (it makes it a little cloudier) to see the title. It also inspired this poem for my portfolio. I think I will use it as my opening poem because it goes with the theme so well.


Transparent

Why do you try to look through me?
I am made of layer upon layer.
I feel such different emotions daily,
that I have yet to figure myself out.
You insist that you see through me,
because I am made of thick,
but fragile glass skin.

“With one drop you will be broken,”
you say to me nonchalantly.
I don't care what you say.
You can't see through me at all.
If I am made of glass, then it must be cloudy,
because although you may see silhouettes of my pieces,
you cannot tell just what those silhouettes are of.

Who knew I would mold some of my poems around the paper I bought? I also will be including a couple of stories, blog entries, and random things in my portfolio. I really got a lot done yesterday. I am kind of excited, but I still have a long way to go! I need to write at least two more short stories to include in it.

I went to a U-M/ Ohio State party with my parents and Ash on Saturday. It was a nice time with lots of good food. Ashlee and I left early to meet up with Grandma and Uncle Mike to go see Harry Potter. It was really great! The book is much more in depth though so if there is any confusion during the movie, then be sure to read the book. I went to bed early Saturday night, because I had to wake up at 5:45 to go play indoor soccer in Maumee. That will be my new weekly routine, but unfortunately this Sunday I will have to wake up at 4:45... it is really exhausting!

Senator Carl Levin came to my school today to speak. I was able to miss class to attend the speech thanks to student senate. I really liked it. It was very informative. I never feel fully informed of what is going on with politics. It was easy to listen to him, because he is democratat. Although any politician is usually good at public speaking and thinking on their feet. He was thrown some tough questions and he did a great job to answer them. I have just discovered this artist named Maia Sharp... I was nosureue how I liked her music at first, but it has really grown on me. It is really laid back and I like that. I need to get to bed early last night. Waking up at 5:45 yesterday and then not going to bed early last night has really made me quite sleepy. Last full day of school tomorrow. I am excited! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!