Endings

Today I began thinking about endings. They say "every ending has a new beginning," but what if the new beginning is not as good? New beginnings are scary, but can be exciting. I just have such a hard time with change. "The only thing constant in the world is change" is a lyric from an India Arie song. I should think I would grow accustomed to change since it is the only thing that seems to be so reliable. As I approach applying for colleges and turning in to an adult, I can't help but still feel unprepared. I swear I'm still a kid, stop asking me what I want to do for the REST of my life. I can't make up my mind about what movie I want to rent one night, let alone what to do with myself. I am sick of hearing it's my choice. I don't know what I want. I just want to be me and let everything fall in to place, unfortunately I realize it does not work like that.

With the first day of my senior year, tomorrow, I feel so unprepared for anything. I know I am capable. I know I am not stupid. I know I can do SOMETHING. I just don't know what I can do yet. I am not immature. I understand people too much to be immature, but then when it comes to ending things I feel like a 3 year girl back at day care again, crying because I didn't get to wave at my mom out the window as she left that morning. The teachers try to comfort me and slow the tears that are dripping off my chin as snot runs all over my face. I don't feel embarassed at all. The teachers can't help. It's too late my mom is gone. There is no one to wave back because our brown car is gone. I hang out at the window and look at the grey sky. It seemed like such an awful day at the time.

I don't wave at my mom in the window anymore. It doesn't make me sad either. I don't know when it happened, but at some point it was not a big deal whether my mom waved at me as she drove away. I adjusted. It doesn't bother me anymore. I think I will just have to adjust to all of the new endings I am approaching. I guess new beginnings can be exciting.