I am sick of trying to be an individual. It's too much work. I guess I'm just the same as everyone else. We can't all stand out. There has to be the unoriginal people to make the original people look so original. To be original is to put yourself out there for criticism. I seem to be able to do that, but then I can't take the negativity. For example, I wrote this crappy piece about my bed in Independent study. It was just a writing practice and it was not exciting, just very descriptive. My bed was where I wanted to be, so I had no problem writing about it. I was using the bottom of that page to write what all I had to do this weekend down in Student Senate. One of the popular girls I have always been intimidated by, was secretly reading the piece over my shoulder while I wrote my list at the bottom.
"What's that for?" she asked politely, but I could tell she thought I was some crazy girl who writes crap, because that's what it was. I played it off and told her I was just making a schedule for the weekend, even though I knew she was asking about the writing.
"Oh I see. Nice," was her answer, but I know it was not genuine. She is probably thinking how stupid I am for writing in general, let alone such crap as she read. I know it shouldn't bother me, that she doesn't know I am in a writing class. Plus just because she doesn't understand the reasons for writing, doesn't mean I have to play dumb to them. I am really struggling with writing lately. I have some more to do for class. I get these ideas, but I can't follow through. I think it is this "fear" thing Natalie Goldberg addresses in her "Thunder and Lightening" book. I guess I am afraid of what I might write or who might see it. God, forbid I expose my weaknesses through writing. I think it's more of, I am aware of my weaknesses, but I don't want to write about them because they embarrass me. I will work on that, or I can just stick to writing comic pieces, those are always fun.
I have homework to do yet and I did have a nice weekend. Friday I went to dinner with friends, Saturday we had practice through the woods in the morning. It was very fun. Afterwards Sarah, Kristin, and I went to Cougar Cup. Then I went to Ann Arbor with the family to go to dinner. I couldn't have asked for a nice Saturday, but now I am paying the price today with all of the untouched homework.
5 comments:
just wanted you to know that I consider you an incredibly unique girl. Honestly.
I understand feeling insecure about "plain" feelings...I struggle with the same thing, in my own way of course, every day - but there comes a point when you just can't constantly concern yourself with it. It's too exhausting and depressing, and you must know that deep down you are TRULY unique.
I think you probably do filter what you say too much - (most of the time I do as well) - but learning not to is something that comes with accepting who you are and not feeling obliged to anybody. You don't owe anybody anything through your writing - it's who you are - and even if its "crap" as you might think it is, that is okay, ultimately, this is for YOU and not really for anybody else's entertainment. ultimately.
I think high school is so much a time of fighting for your identity but at the same time not wanting to be considered "weird"...or dumb...by those "popular" people.
This can cause sooo much conflict in your head and heart and I understand feeling so overwhelmed you want to give up on feeling "original"...but it's so important that you don't do that...The "popular" people are too much the epitome of conformity and what is wrong with high school that it seriously doesn't matter what they think, and if they think you're a little weird...you're kind of doing something right.....okay, sorry about rambling, i just had things to say :)
Write everyday. You will come to terms with things. It'll help you figure out everything you do and don't believe in; which is important in order for achieving the closure you’ll need for leaving home and for better future growth.
Writing can make anyone interesting as it grabs and holds and makes people wish they could put things in the way that you do. If they don’t wish they could put it your way they will still have been captured by some slop you've subjected them to.
One day you’ll wake up and realize you are interesting even though all you ever did was write. You'll pursue areas you've always wanted to but were made fun of. Those are the things you come to appreciate the most. The more honest and open you are about your insecurities the better. No asshole can fuel their passion of picking apart the faults you haven't when you're already two steps ahead of them. The sheep don't stand up to the self-aware herder. If they were cows you might easily tip them over with your word.
Aimee, remember that the "imaginary audience" is a part of the adolescent brain, and it feels like many are watching, but most other teens are exactly as fearful and insecure or moreso than you. If everyone's worried about how they look to others, how can they be paying attention to you? And, it IS imaginary. It is a trick your brain plays on you.
And, as Rhiannon says, you ARE an individual. The place you're from, your family, your thoughts, your feelings belong to only you. You don't have to try to be an individual; you only have to be true to your self. This isn't work. You can't help it. If it's too much work, then it doesn't come from inside you. Listen to your own inner voice and follow that; it doesn't feel like work.
You are correct to identify the internal editor that Goldberg writes about as the source of anxiety over your writing. The only way to quiet that voice is to keep writing what you truly want to write, without comparing it to others. The job of the writer is to write the truth as she experiences it, and the rest of the world be damned. If you're too scared to write about your embarassing weaknesses where others will see them, get a secret notebook where you'll promise to be honest with yourself about them. Then, you may be able to branch out to a wider audience. However, we often find it most difficult to be honest with ourselves. We can tell our loved ones the truth, but it is hard to tell ourselves the truth. But for writers, this shadow side is often the most fertile ground.
As for not following through on ideas---every writer has notebooks full of jottings where seeds of ideas lie, waiting for the day when they will be watered, tended, and allowed to bloom...Just record them and don't worry about it. Not every cool idea has to be followed through with right now.
Finally, don't think that humorous writing is lame just because it's fun. You don't have to prove how deep you are with your writing. You can prove how funny you are, and the rest of us can enjoy the life-affirming, medicinal properties of a good laugh.
Write on...
it was Adams, wasn't it? Adams is a bitch. even if it wasn't Adams, she's still a bitch. there's a special place in hell for people who think they are better than they really are; these are my words not yours, obviously, so don't freak.
Hey Aimee, I'm finally getting around to reading your blog!
I have to say that I can relate to what you have to say in many ways. Sometimes I get really concerned with what people are thinking, which is contrary to how I act most of the time. I want to be my own person, but it's hard with everyone breathing down your neck.
I have the same problems with schoolwork, too, by the way. I never, NEVER manage to get all the stuff done that I want to. I'm so lazy I just end up putting it off and then when I need to do it, there isn't enough time. Eek!
I have a feeling you're going to inspire some of my blogs... =) I like how you're writing. Complaining most of the time is DEFINITELY the way to go. It's easier to complain about what's going on than to talk about something good. Plus it makes you feel a little better once you've done your "bitching".
I say keep trying to make an idiot out of yourself in front of people. =) And don't worry about TRYING to be an individual. From talking to you in school and reading your blog, being yourself is working just fine. You are an individual on your own. You might be the same as some people in some ways, but then you are different from them in others. You're right, trying to be an individual is way too much work--especially when there's so much stress going on at school as it is. Just let go. Some things ought to be strived for. Others can come on their own. I think you've got all you need.
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