Not Stressin' About Stress

First I would like to warn I am going to be "bitching" for this entire entry. I am not a huge fan of the word "bitching" but I guess that's the best way to get my point across. The thing is... I have to write 3 pages of anything I want for my independent study class every night. Blogging counts, believe it or not. My teacher is cool like that. Here I am trying to find 3 pages out of a stressful day. I have no choice but to complain the entire time. Natalie Goldberg is a great author who writes about writing. She is constantly stressing about "just writing." She says it is okay to just take up space. She claims allowing yourself to write "crap" allows you to not have expectations for yourself every time you write. I am very guilty of sitting down and trying to write a masterpiece in one sitting. According to good ole' Natalie, I can sit here and write "I am an idiot. I hate writing. I actually like writing, but I have to high of expectations for myself. I get frustrated when my writing is poor. When I am forced to write every day, I have no choice but to write some crap." It is actually very freeing to write exactly what my thoughts are without worrying what people will think or if it is good enough. If you have never tried writing your exact unedited thought, I highly recommend it.
Tonight work went well. I had my favorite girl helping me and my boss was not there. This girl I work with from time to time is so wonderful. She helps me so much. I don't even get nervous around her when I mess up. The other people I am always nervous around. I find no reason to be nervous because she does not get upset when I screw up. She understands. I still am thinking about quitting, just because it is very overwhelming between school, cross country, and work. My first home meet is tomorrow. I am slightly dreading it, because I have been so exhausted and having really bad cramps. I never used to get cramps. Well, occasionally, but never very badly. I think all of the running is screwing my body up. The last 2 days I have had awful cramps, headaches, and back pain. It is not good to feel like that in a race. I made a run to Country Market after work for some Pamprin and Granola bars. That had to look desperate.

I had a ton more written that I just lost in trying to recover my post. Now they will never believe me that I had 3 pages, but oh well. I did. Plus I am sure you are all relieved to have me stop whining. I have a bed calling my name. I need to do my hair since I am dressing up tomorrow in my awesome new outfit. It's very laid back but dressy... if you can believe that. I am so pissed I lost half of my writing. I swear I had three pages and I promise I will write some higher quality stuff when Ihave time to think about it. I am just writing to get used to uneditting my thoughts. I am at this very moment, trying to reread and think of words worth writing, even though I am on a rediculous rant. I am trying to get rid of this stupid voice telling me everything I write sucks and that cares what everyone else will thing. I am writing this piece to let go of my own criticism and try to convince you all (mostly me) that I don't care anymore. I am not afraid to show my vulnerability through writing. I will write better things. Will I be brave enough to post actual writing that I put work into? I do not know. I hope so. I would like to show I am not a terrible writer. At this point I don't care if I look like a terrible writer. I am tired and I want to go to bed. Maybe that is good, because I really don't care about what I am writing. I am actually writing my exact thoughts. Ha. Fantastic. This might not make sense, but I feel free. I am so going to bed and I don't care that this is the longest entry about nothing. I am practicing writing honestly. So here I am. As real as I can be with my aching back, cramps, and wet hair, dreaming of sleeping. I am dreaming of dreams.